Hey It's The Swensons!

On that Midnight Train...

2012-01-22T23:12:00.000-06:00

(Eric)

The ol' blog has been neglected lately, and a big reason is because we've been pretty busy with some exciting (for us, at least) new developments.

Soon we'll be enjoying a more peachy life, enjoying Chick-fil-A with Ted Turner, drinking Coca-Cola with Ed and Dean Roland (at least Britt will get that), and falling under the spell of SEC football.

Yes, I've got a work opportunity in Atlanta, and we'll be moving there within the next couple months. Although I've already added "y'all" to my dictionary while living here in North Texas, North Georgia will surely give our little family a whole new level of Southern-ness.

Our time here has been great, and we will certainly miss family and at least four of our friends, but we're excited for what looks to be a fun new adventure for us.

So This is the New Year

2012-01-04T20:30:00.003-06:00

(Eric)

Happy 2012!

To usher in the new year, I enjoyed a great four-day weekend with Kirsten and Cap. The best part, of course, was the Armed Forces Bowl on Friday.

In order to attend this year's BYU bowl game, Kirsten and I only needed to make the half-hour drive down to SMU. Awesome!

Despite the proximity to the opposing team's campus (Tulsa is only four hours away), most of the attending fans were BYU's. And in case you missed it, our dear old Cougars capped a great game-ending drive with a fake-spike-touchdown-throw to win it with 11 seconds left.

It was a beautiful day and a classic game.

Sam later celebrated by playing with his favorite (of very many) Christmas presents: his new lawnmower.

He also celebrated by dipping cookies in chocolate frosting.

We also enjoyed a New Year's party, the park, playing with our new Wii (thank you Kirsten's parents), visiting with friends and family, blah blah blah.

Family Pictures!

2011-12-18T21:43:00.001-06:00

We finally buckled down and got family pictures taken. They turned out great, of course, thanks to the talented Christine! Let me tell you how much I hate getting professional pictures done. I've taken Sam a couple of times with his cousins to get some shots done and it has been a nightmare trying to get Sam to sit still and actually look at the camera. Getting him to sit still, look at the camera, and SMILE though is absolute torture. Try getting three kids 4 and under to do all three things. IMPOSSIBLE!!!

I was very thankful though for Christine and her patience with us for our hour photo shoot. Sam did way better outside than sitting in a studio and I loved the way the pics turned out. He's actually smiling in a bunch of them!

Here are some of my favorites:

Love, love, love them! Thanks Christine!

Do They Know It's Christmas?

2011-12-10T21:51:00.002-06:00

(Eric)

It was Ugly Sweater Day at the Liberty Mutual office on Friday. Doesn't Joseph (bearded redhead) look especially paternal?

If you zoom in, you'll see that "It's More Fun in '91", thanks to Irving Goodwill.

A Bullet in Your What?

2011-12-03T00:42:00.001-06:00

(Eric)

Thank you to Marianne, and thank you to The Killers, who have provided us with another Christmas gem: The Cowboy's Christmas Ball.

It's right up there with Don't Shoot Me Santa.

The best part is where Windy Billy was from (1:46).

Welcome to Fabulous...

2011-11-23T01:15:00.002-06:00

(Eric)

Do you ever feel like you're in the minority of rational people left in our society?

Just before my family came down to Dallas, Kirsten and I enjoyed a trip to Las Vegas on Liberty Mutual.

A few months ago, I completed my CPCU designation, which is cooler to an insurance professional than a clearance sale at Express is to Kirsten. Because of this, Liberty sent Wifey and me on an all-expenses-paid trip to ol' Sam's Town.

Each time I visit Vegas, there's more to see, more to do, and more media to demand my attention. Yet, it annoys me more quickly each time.

Growing up, traveling through or to Vegas wasn't uncommon as it was a natural stopping point on the way to Southern California or a day trip from Mesquite (NV) or St. George (UT). Just remember not to take the slapping cards or look at the ads on taxi roofs; enjoy the bright lights and see the sights. But after a five-year reprieve (my last trip was to see BYU wax Oregon 38-8... thank you Johnny Harline), the artificial town was more transparent to me than ever before. Needing enhancement from world landmark copycats, establishments devoid of values, and abundant booze, the Strip consists of a couple miles worth of faux culture and no soul, with the latter being loudly advertised.

It's the epitome of mindless consumerism and lemming-like savings destruction in order to keep up with the opulence and expectations of the world (Kirsten even got tired of walking past so many high-end stores). Knowledge and reason aren't important; fleeting, hollow pleasure, and worrying about what others think of you? Of course!

Obviously, it all goes back to gambling. In order to get anywhere, one must navigate (David-Bowie-less) labyrinths of cigar-smoke-reeking casinos, and this tactic works amazingly! All the flashing lights and million-dollar chandeliers (try the Cosmopolitan's, which encompasses whole floors and restaurants) are enough to convince millions of otherwise rational people to dump their money into inverse ATMs and bottomless green tables. The casinos then thank them, give them another drink to dull their senses and prolong the idiocy, and continue taking in truckloads of money. Even taking any moral reasons out of the equation, casino gambling is just dumb. People know this and still do it!

I may lack many talents and accomplishments, but God has clearly imbued me with an strong sense of practicality-- definitely a plus for a Mormon and middle-class American at a down time for our economy. Luckily, my reasonableness enables me to get past this sort of temptation.

---------------------------------

Getting to Vegas wasn't easy. Sam, and later, Kirsten, both got pretty sick for a couple days, so I had to re-arrange Kirsten's flight a couple times, which took a fair amount of work and haggling. There was even a brief period when American almost gave me a $200 flight voucher to wait for the next flight (why not?). Tired and feeling especially cynical, I ended up flying out there on my own.

After deplaning, I couldn't help from stopping to watch a group of travelers from my flight. Of course, McCarran Airport has one-armed bandits lined up near each gate, and there were a fair number of passengers who walked up the jetway straight to the slot machines, eagerly depositing their cash as if they couldn't get rid of it quickly enough.

Insert $50 bill. Push button until the symbols stop changing. Done.

Airport employees asked if they could help me as I stood and laughed out loud at the ridiculousness of the situation. My mocking could have been met with anger if the spinning BARs and 7s weren't already commanding full attention.

Exhausted after a night of little sleep and a lot of time in and out of airports, I sleepwalked around MGM and New York New York for much of the day, almost growling at those around me for the reasons outlined in this post. After it became clear that Kirsten wouldn't make it out for a couple more days, I quickly got out of town and made my way up to my first night's reservation in the beautiful, anti-Vegas of St. George.

--------------------------------

Don't get me wrong-- once Kirsten arrived in Vegas, we had a swell time CPCU-Conferencing, dining out on Liberty's dime, checking out the Strip (somewhat in moderation-- at least all the walking gave us exercise to counteract all the food), and enjoying out-of-town excursions to St. George (my second time on the trip, though I won't complain) and Hoover Dam. It was also nice to have my fellow CPCU recipient, Joseph, and his friend around.

We stayed at Caesar's Palace, which is a ridiculously huge complex of hotel towers, miles of conference rooms, shops, casinos, and restaurants. Favorites included Paris (good breakfast buffet-- thanks, employer) and Bellagio.

--------------------------------

Perhaps the most laughable Vegas myth, propagated by Hollywood like so many lies in our society, is that the Strip is sophisticated and populated mainly by the young and attractive. Retirees throwing away their hard-earned pensions, white trash, and sadly defeated souls make up most of the crowd. Of course the beautiful people are there to make us feel uncomfortable, as my friend Joseph pointed out, but most of them quickly lose their style points as they sink to the depths of Las Vegas.

I don't mean this post as an insult to those who visit Las Vegas (obviously, we visited and enjoyed much of our vacation, and Vegas also brought us the blessing of The Killers); I simply mean it as an insult to the stupidity of people's actions while they're in Las Vegas. It's a place that teaches you to lose yourself for just a little while... as if your time there somehow doesn't count toward your Final Tally. Sure, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas-- except your conscience, liver, bank account, and STDs.

Goin' Through the Big D

2011-11-06T22:57:00.001-06:00

(Eric)

My parents and sister, Marianne, conveniently timed their trip down here last week to coincide with the BYU-TCU game at Cowboys Stadium. Thanks again to the new Frontier flights in and out of Provo, as well as Groupon (our recent visit to Utah was thanks to the same deal, which gave us our cheapest TX-UT round trip ever).

Although the outcome was a disappointment (the Cougs would have been in position to win if not for the punt team inexplicably becoming atrocious), we still had a good time.

It was a lovely evening, so Jerry was kind enough to open the roof for us.

Riley Nelson also provided a great highlight.

This is why Cougar fans are happy to take Nelson over Heaps. Sure, Nelson's good for two lame-duck interceptions a game, but he brings a passion that the wooden Heaps lacks. He's not afraid to put it all out there.

Cap is goofy.

Dallas is a fine place to live, but, as I always tell visitors, there are only two touristy places to visit: Cowboys Stadium and the stuff near the West End in downtown where JFK was shot. So guess where else we went?

Safety Dance

2011-11-01T21:34:00.000-05:00

(Eric)

Most of the year, parents look out for their children's health and safety. However, on Halloween, we encourage our children to go against the following axioms:
-Don't talk to strangers.
-Be yourself.
-Don't take candy from strangers.
-Don't mooch.
-Don't wander around at nighttime.
-Don't fill up on candy.
-There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Monkeyween

2011-10-30T23:09:00.005-05:00

(Eric)

You could say that the last couple weeks have been "bananas"*, with our trip to Las Vegas and having some of my family visit us here. For now, here are a couple pictures of our little monkey.

At the church trunk-or-treat, after the first person gave Sam a piece of candy, he instantly understood. He proceeded to race from car to car, holding out his jack-o-lantern bucket at each stop. We certainly appreciate the value of free food in our family, even if these darn kids have it too easy with their quick-load-up trunk-or-treats. In my day, we had to walk from house to house, with a coat on underneath our costume because of the cold. Good thing Cap's too young to know if we steal his candy.

*Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Get it?

Almost Time to Go

2011-10-18T22:38:00.003-05:00

(Eric)

It seems that our long, long, long hot summer has finally ended. We've gotten some rain lately and today was the first cool day in a long time. Maybe we should head for somewhere warmer this week...

-------------------------------

Sam is inconsistent with the words that he'll actually say, but there's one that he'll always get out: "BA-bal". Yes, every Saturday when football is on, he excitedly yells "BA-bal!" He knows football already and knows of its goodness. What a great boy.

A Sort of Homecoming

2011-10-02T22:30:00.005-05:00

(Eric)

My mom called me up after I wrote the post on our visit to Hogle Zoo in Utah. "Why didn't you put up any other pictures from your trip? I wasn't even at the zoo with you!"

Don't worry, Mom. I just hadn't gotten around to it. Your moment in the sun has arrived.

OK, so maybe this go-kart maxes out at 2 MPH, but it's a start.

I enjoyed a round of golf with my brother-in-law Greg (in green), my dad (in yellow, surveying Greg's shot), and my uncle Greg. Because the former Greg usually warms up with eight or nine practice swings, getting the photo wasn't too difficult.

If you didn't know any better, you'd be convinced that I was a pro golfer from these shots, right? You'd be wrong. I'm actually an awful golfer. I've heard that it's hard for super athletic, intelligent people to slow down to the droll pace of golf. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Though I may look more stunning while doing so, Uncle Greg is a better golfer.

We also enjoyed a picnic up in Little Cottonwood Canyon. Sadly, there are no mountains like this around here.

There you go, Mom (background). You've now made the big time.

My sister Brittany was fun; nephew Aidan was lame for the photo.

Cap was goofy (shocking!) with my sister Marianne.

Won't Get Fooled Again

2011-09-27T23:58:00.000-05:00

(Eric)

Last night, Kirsten and I rented Thor. Though it was an entertaining movie, I must warn all married men NOT TO WATCH THOR with your wife!

Normally, I'm safe watching a movie that doesn't begin with "Pride and Pre-" or "Twili-", but this film was a two hour giggle-fest as the Mrs. admired the on-screen hunk.

Next time I'll get a movie with Steve Buscemi or the James Bond villain "Jaws".

Zoo Station

2011-09-22T23:57:00.000-05:00

(Eric)

We recently returned from a trip to Utah, and let me tell you, it was just Utastic! Our first morning up there, we took Cap to the zoo with his Aunt Britt; her kids, Aidan and Zoey; and Aunt Marianne.

Zoey is pensive near Marianne's favorite animal.

Sam and Aidan tamed the tiger statues.

Champ was also impressed by the elephants.

Sammy requires so many snacks that the whole group was satisfied. He has now learned how to sign "more", which works on Kirsten even though it's always a request for more junk food. "I know he already had a whole candy bar, but it was so cute when he signed 'more' that I just had to give him another!"

He thought it was funny to play groundhog.

Though he's gaining a propensity for scowling at the camera, he enjoyed his first visit to the zoo (and smiled plenty).

Afterward, Kirsten curled up with a good book while being embraced by a convenient Snuggie.

Fix You

2011-09-12T23:39:00.000-05:00

(Eric)

Here's a picture of Cap before he got his cast removed. I was a bit disappointed that his accident didn't occur closer to Halloween or Christmas, because with a little crutch and hat, he would've made a great Tiny Tim.

10 Years Later

2011-09-12T23:29:00.001-05:00

(Eric)

Yesterday marked the 10-year anniversary of 9/11. As people recall this time, they talk about how things were surreal here, and how Americans actually humbled themselves for a little while, and became nice.

I wouldn't know.

It feels distant to me, like it's a chapter in our history of which I'll never truly be a part.

On Sep. 11, 2011, I was serving a church mission in La Asunción, Isla de Margarita, Venezuela.

That night, I wrote a letter to my family. Obviously, some of the details that I heard were inaccurate, but this was the perspective that a 19-year-old American missionary in Venezuela had on that infamous day:

---------------------------
"This morning we found a family and taught them... We continued working on the same road and Elder Scott said that he wanted a malta (the most disgusting drink on the face of the Earth), so we went to a bodega (a small roadside store / stand where drinks and snacks are sold) and he bought some malta (I got Oreos... mmm).

As we stood there and ate / drunk, the owner guy asked us if we were from the U.S. We said yes, so he informed us that the Pentagon had been bombed. We were totally shocked. He told us that there was also something in New York, but he didn't know what. As we left and began walking to our next appointment, we shared our feelings ("Holy crap." "Wow." "Yeah.") and realized that whoever bombed the PENTAGON was really asking for it.

"We got to our appointment and asked if they'd heard about what happened. They told us that yes, they'd heard, and also that two FREAKING AIRPLANES had kamikazeed into the twin towers in New York. We taught them the charla (lesson) even though I couldn't stop thinking of what had happened.

"We soon after went to another house where the people asked us, "Did you hear what HAPPENED?!?" They invited us in to see it for ourselves on TV. We must've been there for almost an hour watching CNN (en español). HOLY CRAP. We saw Bush's little statement (which I admired), saw the images of the second plane crashing into one of the towers, people running around New York, the Pentagon, one of the towers collapsing, Colin Powell's statement, people rejoicing in Jerusalem over senseless deaths of I-have-no-idea how many people because they happen to be citizens of the greatest nation in the world, and various other things that I'm sure you saw on Sep. 11.

"I'm still in shock. My companion thinks that we're on the verge of WWIII (though I think that's overdoing it). I don't know the details of the Pentagon bombing. I do know that (at least) four plances were hijacked, and that one ended up in pieces in Cleveland, one near Pittsburg, and two in the twin towers. I only saw one actually collapse, but I doubt that the other survived. Just think, you guys visited what used to be two of the tallest buildings in the world only two months ago. Now they don't even exist.

"I saw and heard stuff about that all day, so I can't imagine what it was like for you guys. I know that the borders are closed and that Bush is in some secret location, though. I'll pray for the families of the victims. See you later. -Eric"

"Sep. 18, 2011: ...Wow, I heard the U.S.'s ultimatum that if that jerkface isn't delivered, the U.S. is gonna kick the crap out of Pakistan. I support that decision 100%, but that's not to say that I'm not worried. I really don't know the details of what's going on; I just know the general stuff from seeing newspaper headlines (it's the top story every day) and talking to people. I trust that some day the gaps will be filled in for me, whether it be by you guys or in a history book in twenty years. I sure hope things stop escalating; otherwise, we'll be engulfed in WWIII before you get this letter."
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As I mentioned in the preface, many of the details that I learned from people on the streets of La Asunción were wrong. Still, I understood the general feeling of the whole affair. The people of Venezuela also expressed much sympathy, though I was affected no more than they were.

Although the events of that day are now more clear to me, I haven´t brought myself to research and relive this event the way that most Americans did. Some have shared accounts of our nation's feeling and reaction at the time, but that's all I have to go by. What was it like?

Update on Homemade Laundry Detergent

2011-09-03T20:04:00.000-05:00

It works, people. Like really well. And you don't use very much. I'm sold. I put it to the test last night when I had to wash Sam's barf-stained sheets. Worked like a charm.

I also used that same girl's concoction for homemade dishwashing detergent and I'm loving that too. It actually makes me a little giddy to do my chores (well not really, but it does get me a little giddy knowing how much money I'm saving).

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2011-08-28T22:05:00.001-05:00

(Eric)

The countdown is at four days until the best part of the year (unless BYU loses).

I am confident that Cap will now have a deeper appreciation for college football than he did last year. Even so, due to technical difficulties, here are two football-season-ready pics of Champ from last season.

Homemade Laundry Detergent

2011-08-19T20:25:00.001-05:00

Ah yes, this is Kirsten. If you were looking for a cleaverly written blog by Eric, then sorry. But, I have something that I'm so excited to write about: homemade laundry detergent! I came across it on pinterest, and I checked it out and I'm so glad I did!!! This girl made laundry detergent from scratch and it cost only $20, but here's the best part: it lasted her 9 months!!! 9 MONTHS people! She said she does 8 loads a week. I thought this was too good to be true so I went and made some myself this week. See?

It was so easy to make and you can find all of the ingredients in the laundry aisle at your grocery store (I went to Walmart).

I haven't used it yet, but I'm planning on it next week. I'm a total brand snot when it comes to my laundry detergent. Yes, I use Tide. We'll see what happens with this. I read everyone's comments on this girl's blog about her detergent and they all said it worked great. If it does for me then I'm sold. Twenty bucks for laundry detergent for a year? Yes, please!! When I told Eric that I was so excited to use it he replied that I'm a total mom. Why yes, yes I am. Thank you, dear.

Wanna make your own? Here's the link: http://beingcreativetokeepmysanity.blogspot.com/2010/11/homemade-laundry-soap.html

Thank you, thank you Being Creative to Keep My Sanity lady!!!

Side note: She also made homemade dishwashing detergent that I'm totally going to make once mine runs out.

Hot Hot Hot

2011-08-14T20:31:00.002-05:00

Eric:

Remember a couple weeks back, when the rest of the country was whining about a few 90+ or 100+ days? Well, we went strong for over a month. The record for consecutive 100-degree days in Dallas is 42, which was set in 1980. Though this summer has continually been a beat-down, peaking when temperatures neared 110 last week and we closed in on the record, I was probably in the majority in my hope that we'd break the record, just to say that we did it. (Could I put that on my resume?)

But after getting so close, we only hit the high 90s on day 41. Sure, it was nice to have a relatively cool day, but what does the next week look like? 102, 103, 103, 103, 103, 102, 101.

I wish I could say that Cap has sweat stains in this pic, but it's probably just drool.

My poor in-laws' A/C has been on the fritz, so they've been over to our house a lot over the past few days. On the other hand, we just got our large electric bill. I don't know which is worse: not having A/C in this weather, or having to pay for it.

OK, I know I sound old talking about the weather like this, so I'll be done.

Champ stays cool by ditching the clothes and going spread-eagle.

Sell Sell Sell

2011-08-02T21:55:00.001-05:00

(Eric)

Once every couple years, Kirsten convinces me to escort her to IKEA. The reason that it only happens once every couple years is because that's how long it takes for me to forget how awful the mecca to consumerism can be.

First, patrons are guided up an escalator; this way, they will be trapped for at least four hours in a complex, miles-long maze full of furniture and other crap for wives to buy (luckily, impulse buys disappear within the hour, and are long forgotten by the time one has reached the platoon of cashiers). Next, if you discover that you want to buy small items or just want a cart to haul around your lead-density 16-month-old, you have to trek backward through the crowds, bribe an employee to show you the way back downstairs, find a shopping cart, and wait in line for the elevator so that you can get the cart upstairs (having employees bring carts upstairs on a service elevator would be too easy). Of course, all of this is only a warm-up to the masses (at any given time 1/3 of the population of Frisco, TX, is shopping at IKEA) pushing you through thousands of mock 400-square-foot homes until you discover that you've somehow ended up in Juneau.

I find many of the concepts of the store appealing. It's cool how a family of six could live comfortably and store an extensive wardrobe in only two rooms, especially in a home that's been fully furnished for only $900. Cheap food, affordable furniture (even if some of it is crappy), and Swedish product names will always have a place in my heart. I just wish they could figure out how to hold 100,000 people in 150,000 square feet.

First Break

2011-07-28T00:13:00.000-05:00

Eric:

I guess it was inevitable... Sam has broken his first bone!

Poor lil' Cap broke a bone in his foot, so he'll wear this giant boot for a week (as if he didn't already weigh enough), and then a cast for another three. He's been in good spirits, though, even though he looks pathetic clomping around with his monster boot half the time and giving in to crawling the other half.

Judging by his personality, this should be the first of many trips to the emergency room for Sam.

STUDY: TODDLERS ARE OBNOXIOUS

2011-07-14T22:50:00.001-05:00

PHILADELPHIA- According to a recent study conducted by Temple University, children between the ages of one and three years are obnoxious.

"I'm confident that the findings of our 9,000 subject, international study will put to rest prevalent myths that toddlers are generally content to quietly reflect on Confucius' words or compose poetry," remarked Dr. Bernard Woodall, dean of Temple's College of Human Development. "Rather, they are prone to urinate whenever nude, attach Cheerios to their clothing, and eat crickets."

Dr. Woodall continued. "It seems that unlike their adult counterparts, 78% of twenty-month-olds prefer to have spaghetti in their hair."

The finding, which comes on the heels of a twelve-year analysis of toddlers in the United States, Canada, and Iran, among other countries, came as a relief to Brittany Q. von Arx, a mother of two from Magna, Utah. "I thought having yogurt on the ceiling and playing hide-and-seek for seven straight hours put me in the minority," she sighed. "But it turns out that most parents know what it's like to find crayons in their toaster."

The report comes on the heels of a highly publicized article by Dr. Gabriela Martinez, posted in Parenting Gazette, which reaches the conclusion that young children enjoy watching colorful, high-pitched puppets and costumed actors sing repetitive songs and play simple games.

"Before my kids came along, I wondered why Teletubbies was so successful. I thought it was almost as incoherent as Big Brother or soccer," said Dr. Martinez. "But now that I have a one- and a three-year old, I understand the appeal to a child: they're colorful, they have televisions on their stomachs, and they irritate adults."

Dr. Woodall, who does not have children, surmises that children simply wish to oppose their parents. "Next time your two-year-old wants to insert his books in the toilet, encourage him to do so," he advises. "That way, they'll likely ask to listen to classical music instead."

Stick Shifts and Safety Belts

2011-06-30T23:34:00.003-05:00

Eric:

June 28, 2011 may go down as a turning point in my life.

The significance of this date begins with my recent accomplishment: I am now finally driving stick shift.

Since we moved to Dallas, Kirsten's '97 Nissan has gone back and forth between her family and us, with me driving Ed (my '98 Camry). After over a year of moving Cap between the two-door Nissan and four-door Toyota, however, I have bequeathed the wonderful (relatively) newer V6 to Kirsten and Sam in exchange for the little manual Nissan, which meant that for the first time in my life, I had to learn to drive stick.

Considering the wear and tear on the car, Kirsten laughing and pointing at me (from a foot away) whenever I screwed up during my lesson, and my sole experience with automatic, I think I'm doing rather well driving stick. On a completely unrelated note, I thank a handful of drivers who have patiently waited for me after the car inexplicably died on me as I pulled out from various intersections. Now let's get on with my Tuesday.

Because of parking lot construction, I was relegated to parking a few hundred yards from my loving cubical on the far east end of Liberty's office complex. As I trekked to the waiting Nissan in the 102 degree weather under a baking sun, I realized that Dallas is freaking hot in the summer. Revelation.

As I deftly coordinated my clutch pedal and gear shift to slide from neutral to first to second gear in the parking lot, I saw some big musclehead jogging from left to right in front of me. "Who the crap is jogging at 6:00 PM on a day like this??!!?" was the first thought that went through my head, which was followed swiftly by the answer of "Tony Romo." America's Team's favorite player even sported his trademark stubble to go with a pair of blue shorts with the familiar lone star on the side. Like so many women, I swooned for his boyish good looks. I even turned around and used another exit to confirm that I had seen my new dawg.

So why is this so significant?

I'd like to think that he turned around, kept up with me for a mile, and witnessed me stalling as the driver of a trailing Bronco patiently waited for what they must have thought was a 15-year-old learning the ropes of driving. Perhaps, upon viewing this sad scene, Tony felt sympathy for me and jotted down my license plate number in order to learn my identity. He then could have ordered a brand new, $600,000 sports car with an automatic transmission and had it sent to my home (will it arrive tomorrow?). I, being an expert at manipulating a manual transmission and having the superpower of being superpractical, would have sold the car, paid off our house, and bought an investment property which would fund Sam's education and eating habits, allow us to take extravagant vacations, and build a small orphanage in Uganda. All thanks to Tony Romo's generosity! You, sir, are a true American hero.

(A co-worker scoffed when I told him that I'd seen Tony jogging. However, a quick search of Dallas County tax records revealed that Antonio Romo owns an estate no more than half a mile from my office. Bam!)

My exclusive celebrity buddy list now includes Ice Cube, Fred Willard, Andre Agassi, Brooks and Dunn, John C. Reilly, Lavell Edwards, Wilford "Diabeetus" Brimley, Bee Money, and Tony Romo. I've even actually spoken to most of them.

Don't be surprised when People runs a cover story on my life of glamor and connections.

Bucket Seats Have All Got to Go

2011-06-26T22:37:00.002-05:00

Eric:

Why don't we hear more about the popemobile? It's one of my favorite vehicles ever and I could really use one. (Incidentally, my birthday is coming up in a few months... Lately, however, I have determined that if I was rich I would buy an El Camino and insist on taking it on a road trip with Kirsten. I would wear a mesh cut-off shirt and get a window sticker of Calvin peeing on a non-El Camino. That would teach everyone a lesson. My El Camino phase goes on the list of things I need to do before I die, along with playing for the Milwaukee Bucks, drinking orange soda with the Waponi Woo, and growing the world's longest toenails.)

Wouldn't it be fun to drive around a crowded city or in a parade, showcasing random friends and family? EVERYBODY would know when Sam was potty-trained, going on his first date, etc.

Wouldn't it be embarrassing if you were driving the popemobile and you got stuck in traffic next to another popemobile? What if everyone else started driving popemobiles? Then they probably wouldn't seem so cool.

Are there old popemobiles at the used car lots in the Vatican?

It's questions like these that we need to ask ourselves!

He's Going for Speed

2011-06-21T00:28:00.004-05:00

Eric:

We recently enjoyed a visit from Sam's non-Texas grandparents. As you can see, he was thrilled.

Isn't it nice how Cap and Grandpa match? I suppose the effect would have been better if Grandpa had also soaked his own shirt in drool. Sam's a smart little kid, but he really needs to take charge of his saliva overproduction and spillage.

Though I appreciated the visit from my parents, it can be difficult to entertain them. Dallas is a good place to live, but it seems a bit lacking in tourist opportunities (unless you are both made of money and a shop-a-holic... sorry, Kirsten; one out of two isn't enough). Seeing how they've already exhausted the list of seeing where JFK was shot and visiting Jerry's Death Star, I was struggling for ideas.

We did come up with one very fun solution, though: catch the Indy race at Texas Motor Speedway.

When I was a teenager, my dad, sister Brittany, and I made a road trip to the Indy 500. My dad had wanted to go back out there since he served his mission in Indiana, so we obliged, although I was only mildly excited about the race. The event, however, turned out to be quite impressive.

After having enjoyed the spectacle, I learned what a cool experience it can be, so we jumped at the chance to go to the Metroplex's stop on the race tour.

I either: (a) borrowed Mario Andretti's most prized car, and am an expert at dodging pedestrians and trade show stands; (b) pursued James Bond in an exciting public-road Formula-1 chase scene featuring donkeys, glass-pane movers, and a school bus full of children, before plunging into the Mediterranean as Roger Moore quipped, "take a dip... the water's fine"; or (c) posed in the same seat as hundreds of other sweaty fans before struggling to get my slightly overweight, 6'2" frame out of the racer.

Kirsten did not attempt to race.

One of the coolest parts of the race is how incredibly loud the cars are. I mentioned this to Kirsten before the race, but I guess she didn't really believe me... the format was two short races, so Kirsten and my mom bought earplugs before the second race.

Gasping and pointing enhances the experience.

If You're Gonna Play in Texas

2011-06-15T23:35:00.001-05:00

Eric:

Congratulations to the local Mavs, who were probably the most surprising NBA champions that I can remember. Congratulations also go to LeBron, who lost, but reminded the commoners that he's still better than all of us.

Champ was shocked that the Mavs also became champs. We've told him that he can either take his talents to the celebratory parade tomorrow morning, or drag a sprinkler around the yard and eat some Cap'n Crunch. We eagerly await The Decision.

Finally, Robotic Beings Rule the World

2011-06-04T07:14:00.001-05:00

Eric:

Kirsten and I are thrilled to be joining the world of tomorrow: we finally upgraded to a new computer!

In computer years, our previous laptop was older than both Methuselah and your mom. The new one, however, is equipped with a technologically progressive pointing device sometimes known as a "mouse". With this "mouse", I'm able to simply "click" on "icons" displayed on the monitor rather than typing in commands! With this capability, we now have the freedom to send electronic mail and visit over four Web sites in a single day!

Perhaps the most exciting aspect is the speed with which the new model reads all of my favorite floppy discs. Oregon Trail will never be the same!

Cap'n commemorated the occasion by dragging around a sprinkler.

Fantastic Sam

2011-05-25T22:07:00.000-05:00

Eric:

Little Sammy has brought good fortune upon North Texas. In the span of less than a year, it looks like we'll be hosting the World Series, the Super Bowl, a Hanson concert, and the NBA Finals. The coming fall will be even better, with three TX BYU football games. Bless you, Cap'n Champer Damper!

-------------------------------------------

I don't subscribe to the "let's give the one year old some spaghetti so that he can get crap everywhere" doctrine, but Kirsten does.

12/21/12?

2011-05-21T20:56:00.000-05:00

Eric:

Looks like the world isn't ending today, so I'll need to mow the lawn, after all.

Lobster Bucket

2011-05-15T22:26:00.001-05:00

Eric:

We get all sorts of critters around our house: various bugs, rabbits, birds, lizards, squirrels, toads, and ducks lead the list. But marine life is rare.

On Tuesday, Kirsten called me in a panic. Apparently, there was some sort of threatening creature with claws in the back yard. She surmised that it probably wanted to eat Sammy.

I told her it was probably a scorpion, but she mainted that it was much bigger. Soon after, she sent me a couple pictures and we agreed that a neighbor must have thrown a small lobster over the fence.

We eventually figured out that it was only a crayfish (Kirsten tells me, "No, it's a crawfish!", because that's what they call them here in the South), which is actually a smaller relative of a lobster. Maybe it somehow made its way over from a pond a couple hundred yards away at the Castle Hills golf course? Perhaps it was attracted by the smell of Cap's fresh, tender, and fatty baby meat?

Regardless (or irregardless, depending on your grammar skills), people eat these disgusting things. I'll stick to processed Taco Bell meat, thank you very much. My friends at work were all impressed that we have lobster in our back yard, so I told them that they must be breeding near our caviar pond.

After being doused with bug spray by Kirsten, it made its way under the deck. She only called me six times in a 45-minute window to inform me of the horror, so she handled it reasonably well for the emergency situation that it was.

Sadly, we found it dead on the lawn the next day. Until writing this post, I didn't even realize that I must have mowed over it yesterday. It smelled like dog crap (I thought I had mowed over dog crap at the time). We plan on collecting its remains and firing up the grill for tomorrow's dinner.

We Need You, Bob Saget

2011-05-08T22:26:00.001-05:00

Eric:

One more thought regarding the death of bin Laden:

A few of his "home videos" were recently released to the public, and I'll admit that I was quite disappointed.

Doesn't everybody know that the staples* of America's Funniest Home Videos are crotch shots and animal kookiness?

I was expecting a video of a camel making off with Osama's AK-47, or a film showing one of his yes-men missing the infidel-shaped piñata and hitting ol' Crapface smack in his area. Instead, it was pictures of him looking old. Bo-ring. That's never gonna win you the $10K.

----------------------------------

Sammy doesn't care for the Lakers; he's a big Clippers fan. Good luck with that, son.

*Speaking of staples (the Lakers play at Staples Center), isn't it great that the team sharing the banner with the Yankees for most hatable franchise just got swept by the Mavs? I won't pretend to be a big Mavs fan, but I love it when two of the biggest dirtbags in the sport, Kobe and Phil Jackson, get pummelled.

------------------------------

Happy Mothers' Day, Mom! I hope you get to see Sam's Town soon. At least you get to see your other almost-as-good grandkids a lot.

Happy Mothers' Day to Kirsten as well. Thanks for being such a great mom for Cap.

72? No Virgins for You!

2011-05-03T22:36:00.002-05:00

Texas-Sized Storms

2011-04-19T22:03:00.003-05:00

Eric:

Most storm chasers are probably not from Tornado Alley.

When the weather gets nasty here, Kirsten gets worried. Last Thursday, we got some nasty hail before the tornado siren went off. Kirsten woke up Sam and made me join them in the downstairs bathroom. We also had to bring couch cushions, which would provide ample protection in case the house fell on top of us. Lame.

Afterward, a quick perusal of our patio brought us these gems, displayed on Kirsten's hand:

And a quick check in the front yard netted me these ones:

When the siren went off, I just wanted to go watch it all unfold. Unlike Wifey, I find it exciting, because stuff like that never happened growing up in Utah. (Does performing a triple lutz loop pasodoble on ice skates count? Or making a sweet spin move to avoid a tackle as I'm scoring the winning touchdown? I never experienced those, either.)

If we lived in Florida, I'd be one of those people that would want to ride out a hurricane at home. Maybe I'm stupid, but at the very least, it would make for a great story. Fleeing the storm? Boring.

But Kirsten would probably say something like, "It's too dangerous to stay. We could die." Nag, nag, nag.

After a quick trip to OKC and Tulsa yesterday and today, I drove home past the obvious site of a tornado from Thursday's storm (not far from another town which features a house with a bunch of crap in front of it with a sign reading "Bob's Good Junk". No joke. I really need to stop by one day). It took me a few seconds to realize that the trash heap and scattered metal sheets next to the highway used to be a building. Trees all around were flattened or bent to one side. It was quite impressive, and you'd think that it made me less excited about our big storms.

Nope.

Capcakes

2011-04-10T20:55:00.001-05:00

Eric:

Time for a Cap'n Champer Damper update.

He really likes cupcakes.

His mom is hot (the whole criminal thing only adds to it).

His dad is the most fun freaking person in the whole world (his words).

Also, in the past two weeks, he's gone from maybe taking a step or two here and there to walking across the room. If you (Mom) are whining that I haven't posted a video of his walking skills (they're almost as good as Dolf Lundgren's), well, sorry. Hopefully we can put one up soon, when we burn and stomp on this old piece of crap computer.

Married to a Convict

2011-04-05T23:31:00.006-05:00

(Exerpt from Profile of a Criminal: The Kirsten Swenson Story; chapter four: Brink of the Slippery Slope)
-

"I will have order in my court!"
-

Malone could feel the case slipping through his fingers. He had once felt that his client, Kirsten Swenson, had a legitamite shot at getting back to her old life of being a protective mother and loving wife.
-

But now, the jury had turned on his client, shaking their heads in disgust as murmers rippled through the courtroom, despite the judge's attempts to control the situation.

Malone had warned her against taking the stand, but she had insisted, and her testimony only confirmed her disregard for "the stupid speed limit for losers". Spitting on the prosecutor's shoe had cemented her lack of remorse. Her newly-found life of crime was not an accident and would set a precedent for the remainder of her existence.
-

Her malice surprised even Malone, who had defended murderers, arsonists, and Lakers fans. He wondered what other crimes her scowl conveyed.
-

Did Swenson's long-sleeve jumpsuit hide a maze of Twilight tattoos and stab wound scars? Would she be capable of taking his life if not for the shackles round her wrists and ankles? Malone didn't know, but the man in the back of the courtrom did.
-

The man in the back. Though he sat slumped throughout the proceedings, he continually maintained dignity and an upward gaze, as if praying to heaven-- praying that this would all be over soon, that his family would return to normal, praying for any measure of hope, though deep down he knew that his prayer was in vain. His world was crumbling as the woman he thought he knew and loved had finally revealed her dark side, a side which this mild-mannered, chiseled, intelligent, benevolent, powerful, thoughtful, athletic, humble man could not comprehend. He imagined his wife in an orange spring dress-- one that would almost match the heroic glowing copper of his hair-- but this hallucination only misrepresented the reality of her prison-issued jumpsuit of the same hue. Aside from an occasional sob, he remained silent throughout. The child sat in his arms immobile, as if sensing that this would be the last time he would see his mother outside of the prison visitors' room.

Only days ago, Stockton Malone had been the hottest young attorney at the Dallas firm of Young, Detmer, McMahon and Bosco. Yet this one client-- a client so bent on destroying the law, sneezing on it and wiping her nose on it-- would prove to be the unwinnable case, the case that would undermine all that he had accomplished.
-

"40? I don't care if the speed limit is 38, I'm going 50!" she had bellowed to the officer of the peace who had stopped her in an attempt to restore order to the streets of Carrollton. Her husband's pleas to "slow down for the sake of Cap'n" had gone unheard, so why listen to the law? After telling the policeman to "go to h-ck, you piece of cr-p f-rtface", he had no choice but to cite her for going 50 in a 40 zone, as well as her reckless and hazardous failure to change her license within 30 days of moving.
-
Over 30 days! Wasn't that how Sauron had gotten started?
-

Texas was fortunate enough that no fatal motor vehicle accidents were caused on the day of this heinous crime. It was lucky that no twelve-car pileups ensued, no children were mowed down, no terrorists provoked, no school buses overturned, and that Tony Romo was left unharmed. Swenson and her hot rod straight out of h-e-double-hockey-sticks were off the streets, perhaps for good.
-

Her guilt and disregard for the law long-since established, it was time for Malone to adjust. Would this hardened criminal make it impossible for the judge to show leniency? Would she receive instruction to attend a driving safety course, or would it be the death penalty?

-
Malone buried his face in his hands and exhaled slowly.
-

Back to Productive Citizenship

2011-03-30T23:41:00.002-05:00

Eric:

I'm very proud of Kirsten. She has come to grips with her dangerous habits, and last Saturday, took a driving safety course to prove it. After being ticketed for traveling at speeds exceeding the limit (yes, it's true; I was as disappointed as you when I learned of her crime), she has shown remorse and has agreed to let me monitor her driving to ensure that she never breaks the law again. I continually provide feedback and consider myself her driving mentor; I'm more than happy to provide this service for her, as she's really needing some positive reinforcement from a dependable role model to help her overcome this temptation.

A detailed recap of the judicial process involved in Kirsten's transgression will follow shortly.

Now for something completely different.

Cap'n assumes a different position many times a night while he's asleep. So sometimes we take pictures; here's one.

Sure-fire Successful Restaurant

2011-03-29T23:43:00.008-05:00

Eric:

If you're offended by the word "ho", don't click on the link. Otherwise, enjoy the video (the word itself is the only offensive part):

http://www.myfoxdfw.com/dpp/news/unusual/032311-%27fat-ho-burgers%27-opens-in-texas

Texas is awesome.

Equaling the restaurant name's greatness are the reporter's bad puns and reporter-speak.

Nice Work, Cougs

2011-03-27T22:39:00.024-05:00

Eric:

The way that BYU's season-ending loss to Florida went down was tough to swallow, but it was still a memorable season. 32 wins, a portion of the MWC regular-season title, a Sweet 16 berth, and numerous huge wins made it a lot of fun to be a BYU fan. I even got to attend a couple games (though, oddly enough, both were against a mediocre TCU team (in Provo and in Fort Worth)). Here are some of my parting thoughts:

-It's been insane how much I've heard about BYU through national and Dallas media; they may have been the most-publicized team in the country over the last couple months.

Not even Auntie Courtney could console Sam's Town after an overtime loss to Florida. After all, the first sporting event that Sammy ever witnessed was BYU defeating Florida in double OT in last year's tournament. He may have only been three days old, but he hasn't forgotten.

-In a way, I'm kind of glad that Fredette's moving on, because he often overshadowed the team, which didn't give the rest of them the credit they deserved. Still, it was pretty cool to have the most-talked-player in college basketball on my team.

-I'm not worried about Fredette leaving. The program is solid, and will continue to excel as long as Dave Rose is around.

-After Fredette, the biggest news was Davies' suspension because of the Honor Code. The irony is that this sort of occurrence isn't altogether rare at BYU, and is the kind of thing that Cougar fans have learned to take in stride; it's just that BYU was ranked #3 in the country at the time, and he was one of the team's top players, so it became a national story. I've had co-workers approach me about the Honor Code, and some of the reactions of others display the sad state of our society.

One lady said something to the effect of, "How can they expect college students to abstain from sex?" (implying that it's simply impossible) Sure, most people wouldn't abstain, but still, it's interesting that many can't even comprehend sexual self-control.

Another friend thinks that BYU overreacted in suspending him. My continual (unheard) argument was this: Those who attend BYU know what they're getting into. Moreover, they attend BYU BECAUSE of the honor code. That's the reason you choose it. Again, the thought that students would WANT to live by this standard is simply incomprehensible to some. If you've got a problem with the Honor Code, that's fine. Don't go to BYU.

Others were impressed that BYU stuck to their guns. Yes, it's true that not every college is corruptible when sports money is involved.

-Finally, this refreshing thought came to us as a friend and I watched BYU lose the conference tournament final to San Diego State: The Mountain, Versus, and CBS College Sports are in the rearview mirror! Hallelujah! BYU games will now air on networks that people have actually heard of and can watch! This is the primary reason why it's ridiculous that any MWC rivals can be mad at BYU for leaving (don't get me started on TCU's unfounded anger and subsequent hypocrisy). Even without cable, it will be much, MUCH easier for me to watch BYU football and basketball now.

OK, I should be done with sports for a while, because the only one of my teams playing right now is the Jazz, who have surprisingly become the worst team in the NBA.

Keep up the good work, Cougs!

Happy Taxes

2011-03-23T23:17:00.003-05:00

Eric:

No, the title of this post is not in reference to another revenue-generating system which extracts money from your wallet every time you are content. Nor is it an allusion to the film about two goofy bank robbers who fall in love with their targeted town (Happy, Texas). It's meant more as a wish at tax time, sort of combining the two other possibilities: "Happy taxes, y'all!"

About a month ago, I completed most of our tax return, but it took me until now to finally enter in the last few bits of information. You'd think I wouldn't procrastinate getting a chunk of money, but I'm kind of dumb like that.

Anyway, it's ironic that we get so much satisfaction out of receiving a tax return, even though we're really just regaining our own money that Washington took from us in the first place. And no, I'm not launching into an anti-government rant and giving up delicious preservatives in food and building a Unibomber cabin in the woods away from all society.

In fact, aside from paying Social Security-- which I'll likely pay much more of than benefit from in the future-- I don't have a problem with income tax (even if our taxing system is a bit screwed up). Our country is pretty swell, and we have a great infrastructure, and that costs money. For instance, I think we take our extensive interstate highway system for granted; this is a luxury not enjoyed by most of the world.

Anyway, despite having recognition of the irony of re-receiving my own money, I'm still a sucker for it.

Even more sick than that fact, however, is that I actually like doing my taxes now. The realization that I enjoy it probably disgusts most people (except for accountants, who don't have emotions anyway), which is understandable. But I have two good reasons:

1- For many years, I was self-employed and had to pay all my taxes after the end of the year. By comparison, working for the man and receiving money in springtime is a relief.

2- I love watching the little ticker on Turbotax which tells me how much I will be refunded. I enter in my mortgage interest, and the ticker climbs higher! It's the same mini-thrill that one gets out of watching the cards cover the screen after winning at solitaire, popping a good zit, or realizing that you can delete the 183rd e-mail received at work that day.

So yes, I'm as weird as an accountant. Happy taxes, y'all!

Cap Cap Cap is One!

2011-03-15T22:20:00.006-05:00

Eric:

Champ is now a year old! That means it's time for the obligatory clothes-off cake-smearing kid photo opp. (Kirsten insisted)

That Kid started out slowly, simply prodding his pastry, until he realized that it was a freaking cake, covered in sweet sweet frosting. Eventually, he destroyed it.

It was fun, though-- in a disgusting and precious-cake-wasting kind of way.

These pictures also demonstrate the sad truth that Sam's Town's man-boobs are history. He's still chubby, but his growth in height (note: "heighth" is NOT a word, though many say it) has stretched him out enough that he no longer needs to wear two-year-old shorts as pants.

MAN CELEBRATES NOTABLE BIRTHDAY

2011-03-06T19:25:00.008-06:00

SANDY, UT- Lee Swenson has successfully completed another year of life.

"He's probably an OK guy," commented a long-time neighbor who claimed to have "met Sewellson a good two or three times."

23-year old Josh Allen, who works register #3 at the local Home Depot, agrees. "Yeah, his name is Lynn something, right? He came in the other day to buy some plywood, so I guess it's possible that he could have been building a shelter for battered animals, or maybe a soup kitchen for orphans. If that's the case, then Larry is a modern hero. But the plywood could have also been for a skateboard ramp, so it's hard to say."

According to Janet Himmelton, who sat next to him in college prep English, Simpson's achievements include eating 14 chicken nuggets one day during junior year, yelling really loud at a football game during senior year, and placing a BYU hat on a fake cow in Fort Worth in 2009.

"Judging by his age in high school," continued Himmelton, "I'd guess that he's celebrating a big birthday today-- 50th or 75th or 48th; you know, one of those important ones. I'm sure that I'd still recognize him today by those long, wavy locks."

When told that he shares a birthday with Lance Sweeney, former NBA player Greg Ostertag, who is considered one of the 14 best centers in Utah Jazz history, was possibly impressed. "Oh, OK," he replied coyly.

Sorensen's personality is truly one-of-a-kind. "That guy is always wearing some type of shirt," noted another neighbor, who wished to remain anonymous. "He's also big on talking about stuff, as well as driving to places and sometimes watching TV. These are only a few of Lester's most memorable traits."

Indeed, Leeland Shankar has lived every moment of life to the fullest, beginning on the day when he was born, which was probably cold and snowy, or not.

When told of the milestone birthday, Marshall Buchanon, of Taylorsville, Utah, grew wistful. "I've never met Lot, but he's my wife's friend's cousin, so I can imagine that he's done many important things during his life. He's probably even had some kids, and odds are that none of them have been arrested."

Happy birthday, Lawrence. May it be as memorable as you.

Dear Cable: It's Not You, It's Me

2011-02-27T23:09:00.000-06:00

Eric:

Despite the MWC's best efforts to bury their games on remote networks, I was able to enjoy BYU's huge win yesterday over San Diego State on CBS.

It was the first television program I've watched at my own house in 2-1/2 months.

That's how long it's been since we dumped cable (I just now got network TV set up), and I am still happy about our decision. It takes some strain out of the budget, but more importantly, it's one less time-waster in my life. While I watch little TV relative to most Americans, I do love me some (a) college football / other sports, (2) House Hunters International, and (d) movies.

I'm not totally opposed to TV; not even close. When I've had a long day at work, there's usually nothing I'd like better than to sit back and veg out. Which is why we eschewed cable.

We live in a time featuring unprecedented technology, instant access to whatever information we seek, and, despite the current poor economy, wealth that 99% of the people who have lived on the earth could never attain. Yet, amazingly, we still get overburdened and don't have time for all that we need or would like to do.

So what can we do about it? Trim the fat.

Is my life any less fulfilled because I haven't seen the latest episode of Glee? Maybe it's a super show (everyone says so), but it doesn't add any true value to my life. We live in an increasingly distracted world, full of people texting and playing games on their phones in church (good luck teaching a lesson), Fahrenheit 451-like media obsession, and Facebook status updates receiving precedence over bathroom breaks. The reason for living has increasingly become entertainment.

I'm reminded of a main theme of Amusing Ourselves to Death (by Neil Postman- I'd definitely recommend it), which is that our world isn't being destroyed by oppressive, censoring governments as in 1984; rather, it's being consumed by irrelevance and amusement, as in Brave New World. Big Brother is not the enemy; Twitter is.

It all comes back to my parents' reason for not having cable while I grew up: we liked cable, so we didn't have it, because of its time-sucking capabilities.

I don't pretend to be above the subjection of entertainment and trivia. I fancy myself a solid Trivial Pursuit player, so my head is as full of useless information as the next guy's. I also recognize that I'm an espn.go.com addict, finding every tidbit available about BYU sports and the Jazz. Movie rentals have probably increased in our house, as well (thank you, Redbox). But at least I have one less distraction now.

Furthermore, I'm not advocating that others follow my lead. Maybe you have more free time or self-control than me. You're also an important resource when I can't watch a BYU game online.

The banner I carry is simply for self-improvement. If there is an obvious way to improve one's life, why not take it? This happens to be mine. For us, self-improvement is a religious question, as we can best follow Christ by finding better uses for our time, so that we are more able to serve others. Again, I above all need improvement in time management, so I don't mean to put myself on a pedestal versus anybody. Your weaknesses differ from mine, but we can all reflect and improve somehow.

Ironically, odds are that only one of our two readers has made it this far due to this post's relative length. Reading anything longer than a 200-word USA Today article is almost taboo in our society. Of course, disinterest could also be attributed to this essay being nothing more than a rant by an self-indulgent writer, who has an opinion about which nobody else cares. Fair enough. Regardless, if you made it this far, congratulations! Following is a coupon for a free pony:

(Which reminds me: I don't know if it's even in print any longer, but if you ever come across Uncle Shelby's ABZ Book, by Shel Silverstein, buy it. It's one of the funniest books I've ever read, and it was also amply short to hold my attention.)

Of course, we'll see how I fare once September rolls around and it's football time. Pray for me...

Merry Presidents' Day!

2011-02-21T23:57:00.007-06:00

Eric:

Cap'n Champ Sam's Town is often surprised when others list their favorite holidays as falling on Dec. 25 (Christmas), the fourth Thursday of November (Thanksgiving), or the third half-moon of summer (Gary Coleman's birthday). Like most people, he most looks forward to every Presidents' Day, anticipating the pageantry of this holiday with a sparkle in his eye and urine in his diaper.

I guess the prezzy spirit caught on early with Sam because of Kirsten's enthusiasm for the celebrations of PD. According to legend, her Scottish mother embraced American life by taking this holiday to dress her children as favorite U.S. presidents, such as John Tyler and James Buchanan. Why, even that scalawag of a vice president, Levi P. Morton, was once used as inspiration for a costume for Muffin the cat. You can imagine how that turned out!

(It seems like everywhere we go, somebody just has to make the painfully obvious remark that Sam is a perfect 11-month-old Chester A. Arthur.)

As for my family, we often used PD to reminisce about our favorite moments of each presidency: in awed tones, we dissected Warren G. Harding's famous inauguration speech; we laughed about the mischief caused by a youthful Franklin Pierce growing up in snowy New Hampshire; and we even imitated Grover Cleveland's husky voice on two non-consecutive occasions.

Once again, this year has been unforgettable. The family gathered round as I read from President Taft's biography, and for dinner, Kirsten made us all James K. Polk's favorite porridge recipe! Amazing!

We wish you and yours the warmest and happiest of Presidents' Days!

Hazardous

2011-02-15T22:35:00.005-06:00

Eric:

With the weather back up in the 70s, Irving's crown jewel (Liberty Mutual's Las Colinas complex) looks to remain open this whole week, despite the risk of the potentially blinding sunset for those who travel west on their commute home. Sadly, it seems that all the recent weather-related office closures have dulled our senses to dangerous driving conditions in the winter of MMXI.

Party's Over

2011-02-11T00:28:00.001-06:00

Eric:

After four out of seven days of office closures, I think my stretch of working from home is done. It did offer interesting insight to North Texas psychology, though:

Tuesday, Feb. 1: "Ice storm in the Metroplex! Let's shut everything down!" -Rational. Not rational, however, were the drivers who crawled along at 7 mph, yet still hit the onramp for the tollway. Why just drive ridiculously slow when you can pay money to drive ridiculously slow on more icy bridges? The biggest driving hazard over the past week or so hasn't been the roads; it's been Texas drivers on the roads.

Wednesday: "Remember that ice storm yesterday? Just to be extra safe, let's all stay home." -A stretch, but still understandable, given that the roads were beginning to get slick with sand (we don't have salt flats in Texas, so instead of melting ice, we just cover it with a slightly less slippery substance).

Friday: "Snow! Snow! Eight inches of snow! What the crap do we do?" -I'll tell you what I did: I raked off part of the driveway, with mixed results (I also saw one man using his leaf blower as a snow blower, with even crappier results). Of course, raking hurt my back, which is probably messed up from hauling around a child who is more dense (not mentally) than a quasar. Did I just get too nerd on you? If not, will you play Settlers of Catan with me?

Wednesday, Feb. 9: "My roommate's cousin's friend's dog's dry cleaner's rabbi's insurance underwriter's entourage's stripper's bishop's insurance underwriter's biographer's drummer's underwriter's chef's nephew's underwriter's pilot heard that there might be a storm in Oklahoma, so we should probably shut things down, too. Just in case. Save Ferris."

Now that the Super Bowl is over, we're headed back to nice weather. Oh, sorry, am I supposed to call it the "Big Game"? Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl! And can we quit using the pretentious Roman numerals? Our number system is better; that's why we use it. It's the freaking 2011 Super Bowl, not Super Bowl XLV. In 2304, when "Super Bowl CCCXXXVIII" is painted from end zone to end zone, you'll agree. If I want to know when Arnold's thought-provoking smash hit Twins was released, and the credits show that it was in MCMLXXXVIII, it scrolls past before I can pull out my trusty Rosetta stone.

Now what was I whining about? The weather? Well I'm tired.

Winter All Around

2011-02-06T14:34:00.007-06:00

Eric:

Our recent visit to Utah was just dandy. Here are some dandy pictures to prove it.

Though we weren't able to go skiing (Kirsten's never been), my parents accompanied us on an afternoon visit to Snowbird to see the wintry mountains.

The weather was perfect, and it made me realize how lucky I was to grow up fifteen minutes from world class ski resorts.

Kirsten loved that it gave us an excuse to use Sam's beanie.

Eight elevenths of the family piled onto my parents' bed for this picture.

Once we got home, Sam remembered how hilarious medicine bottles and toothbrushes can be.

And I still think those supposed "mild Texas winters" are a myth. At least my office was closed for most of the week due to an ice storm on Tuesday and eight inches of snow Friday morning.

Finally, Aunt Courtney gave Cap'n his first haircut. He was getting too close to rocking a mullet, which isn't even cute on him.

Bye.

Second (Ward) to None

2011-01-30T23:19:00.003-06:00

CARROLLTON- After blowout wins of 75-37, 70-51, and 63-41, the Carrollton 2nd Ward (C2) eked out a 64-63 thriller over the Carrollton Young Single Adult Ward (YSAs) Saturday for the stake championship.

"This is by far the best moment of my life," belted a sobbing Michael "Coriantumr" Stone, who cited the birth of his children and when he found a glow-in-the-dark compass ring in his Cracker Jacks as other notable life events. "We're going to the Sweet 647s!"

"Sensible" Rothe led the way with 19 points and 12 rebounds, gaining inside position through a series of wet willies, fingernail scratching, and eyelash pulling.

"Graybeard" Spriggs also turned in a solid performance, holding out hope that the NBA will come knocking. "If you count the deacons playing Pokemon on the stage, there were a couple scouts watching us tonight, and if they saw my patented 'two-elbowed pass', I feel confident that my professional basketball dreams will finally be realized."

In a departure from every inspirational sports story depicted on film, C2 overcame racial tension (Joel "Bigot" Reeder initially refused to play ball with "some copper-topped redhead"), off-the-court struggles (Dallace Leota didn't want to come because he was still "super sleepy" at 8:44 AM) , and illness (Mike Rogers' stomach "hurt real bad after eating like 17 Pop-Tarts").

C2 even made a comeback from an early eight-point deficit to win the championship.

"We never gave up," remarked a caffeine-free Diet Pepsi-drenched Reeder. "Except for the part when we said, 'We quit', and all stormed out of the gym because the YSAs wore our favorite color. And there was the part when we were down eight, and we all just kind of sat on the floor and whined until the YSAs said that they'd buy us ice cream if we'd at least finish the game. But other than those two times, and when Kirk held his breath until they let him shoot free throws, we never, ever gave up."

(C2's winning strategy including a heavy dose of repeatedly mashing the B-button.)

Game Notes: Charlie Riska sat out the game due to an alarming loss of testosterone, claiming that it was unfair that both teams couldn't win; Jeff Cook missed the game because he wanted to use his "7% off Windex" coupon before it expired; Kirk Gillespie won "Best-Dressed Player" honors for his Gucci basketball shorts. Celebrity crowd sightings: Vanilla Ice, Tony Danza, and Ross Perot.

Big Coug Win

2011-01-26T23:40:00.005-06:00

Eric:

The good news: BYU just won what was probably their biggest regular-season basketball game ever.
The bad news: I couldn't watch it because it aired on an obscure channel (CBS-C) that most people don't have. (though at least I could listen)
The other good news: There are only a few more months left in the MWC and its TERRIBLE TV deal. Hooray!

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On a semi-related note, I've never had a chance to watch the TV show entitled "Cougartown". Any program relating to Provo on game day sounds awesome, but I somehow haven't made time for it.

(1/28 addition: I wonder what Russians think of this?)

Truth

2011-01-25T22:47:00.005-06:00

Eric:

We've been pretty out of the loop for a while now. After planning on a week-long trip to Utah, we ended up staying for closer to two weeks, because while we were visiting, my grandma passed away. Luckily, we were able to extend our stay so that we could be around for the funeral.

My grandmother's mental health had been deteriorating over the past few years, and her physical health had followed for the last year; she had essentially already been gone for many months. Thus, her death came as a relief, and we're glad that she is now at peace. She had lived a great and full life. I appreciate all of the love and memories that I have from her, and how I always felt welcome in her home.

What makes me most glad, and sad for others at the same time, is our knowledge of God's plan for us. For many people I know, there is only a vague notion and hope that their deceased loved ones are "with God". Yet we know (note that I don't say "think" or "believe") that Heavenly Father has it all planned out, with death as one step, as we strive to become like Him, live with Him, and have an eternal family. It is because of Jesus Christ's atonement, and only with His help, that we are able to overcome physical and spiritual death. My grandma's death must have been a great reunion with her husband, to which she was sealed, and her daughter who died as a teenager; now they're able to continue God's work on the other side.

As friends send their condolences, it's hard for many to understand that I am, for the most part, truly happy about this occasion. The funeral was a very positive experience. It's sad because to most people, death is only a frightening, mysterious darkness. It's sad because the truths of the gospel are so simple and attainable, yet often ungrasped, or simply unknown.

Obviously, this would be a much more difficult situation for me to deal with if it had happened to an acquaintance of mine who was younger, somebody not afflicted with Alzheimer's. But I'd still like to think that I would be comforted by these truths.

---------------------

On a semi-related note, a speaker at my parents' church said, "Knowledge, in and of itself, doesn't actually make truth. Knowledge and light make truth. I like to think of it as a math equation: k + l = t."

My mom leaned over to me and asked, "What does the 'k' stand for?" When I responded that knowledge is spelled with a magical silent 'k', she responded, "Oh, right. Well, I think phonetically, OK?". I guess she is a preschool teacher, and it would really screw the kids up if she taught them that "'B' is for boy, 'C' is for cat, and 'K' is for knowledge."

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Another speaker, referencing the gospel and sharing it with others, noted that "with great power comes great responsibility." I wondered whether she realized that she was quoting Spider-Man, or thought that an uncited prophet had imparted this wisdom.

Never Give Up

2011-01-05T20:06:00.000-06:00

Eric:

I've seen this a few times over the past month, and it never gets old.

Man vs. Tree

2011-01-02T20:20:00.006-06:00

Eric:

We've now been in our house for over a year and a half. Thus, I had thought that my title of "Most Powerful Organism" at our estate (it sounds more impressive when I call it an estate) was unquestioned, but I fear that the two trees in the front yard are threatening my dominance. Thus, I spent part of New Year's Day scaling them back, severing some of their most important limbs so that they wouldn't forget who is in charge.

(Here are Kirsten and I between the adversaries in Sep. '09, before they began to rival my supremacy. Where are those fancy leaves now, weaklings?)

This is the best kind of yard work. I get to cut and break things, I keep my trees' determination in check, and I have an excuse to climb trees. While ten feet up, I called Kirsten out to help me fetch one of my tools of amputation from the ground. Of course the clippers were necessary, but this was also a prime opportunity for Kirsten to show her true love for me, as she would no doubt cry something to the effect of "Dearest, be careful whilst braving those heights! I couldn't go on without you should an accident arise, which no doubt would have already occurred if a less skilled, robust, and athletic man were to attempt such a feat." After all, I was heroically risking my life to protect my family from intruders.

Instead, all I got was, "Eric, don't break the tree."

12 Worst Songs of Christmas (Revisited)

2010-12-29T00:25:00.001-06:00

Eric:

We've had a swell Christmas here in C-Town (Cap'n got more brightly-colored, loud toys than, say, some other 9-month-old who got almost as many brightly-colored, loud toys) and we're now winding down the holiday season. Thus, I feel like rehashing a topic which I've covered in the past: terrible Christmas songs. I may be unorignal, but in the days of music albums, record companies loved to release "Greatest Hits" albums with ten old songs and two new ones, so that you'd have to buy the whole stinking CD to get the new tracks. Am I so much better than a slimy, greasy record company?

Thus, I present the same crap that I have previously, with a couple tweaks.

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This is the time of year when people actually listen to the "light" music stations outside of the dentist's office as FM100, WLIT Chicago, KLIT Dallas, and other similar channels roll out their all-Christmas playlists. The music is one of my favorite parts of the holiday season. It draws us toward memories of our childhood, family, and of course, Christ's birth. Would you ever listen to Mannheim Steamroller if they didn't make Christmas music? When else would you actually sing along to Perry Como or Gene Autry? Why is John Denver so awesome when he's with the Muppets? I'll never forget the realization that came to me two years ago while making loops around O'Hare while waiting to pick up a friend from his flight: I was listening to Delilah-- and I didn't even change the station! I just threw up a little in my mouth and waited for the next Christmas tune, repeating the process until hearing the fourth version of "White Christmas".

Christmas is a musically vulnerable time for us all. Opportunistic and crappy musicians love to take advantage of this fact. So, along with loads of great songs, Christmas also brings a few irritating ones, which we're exposed to annually, and which will probably be covered by nine other musicians before the next year. Here are my favorite bad Christmas songs, that in some odd way get me in the holiday spirit.

-Last Christmas - Wham!

No Christmas is complete without giving my heart to someone special (special). I can sincerely say that, in some sick way, enduring this song each year signals to the elves in my blood that it's officially Christmas time.

-I Want a Hippopotomus for Christmas / All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth / (any other songs about snotty kids wanting things they can't have)

Too bad, you're not getting this stuff! What kind of entitled, unrealistic kids are we raising if they think Santa can raid zoos or perform oral surgery on them just because they whined about wanting it? Do you want to pay the dentist bill? What preschool teachers in Sandy, Utah, with names like "Miss Valerie" are teaching these brats? You can have either a Cabbage Patch Kid or a stocking full of socks. Or how about a nice football?

-Hey Santa - Carnie & Wendy Wilson

Tell me with a straight face that you don't wince whenever they sing the chorus. ("Hey Santa... hey SAAAN-TA, Santa...") At least the stupendously cheesy music video indulges in a couple of all-time crowd pleasers: cartoonish violence and "little people".

-Any Barbra Streisand / Neil Diamond Christmas song

These two get the nod in memory of my dad (though he's not dead yet). Dad especially hates the religious ones, like "O Holy Night". He yells at the radio, "You're Jewish! Not Christian!" It's as confusing as a Santa Dreidel from Hanukkah Harry.

Otherwise, Diamond is the man-- whenever I hear "America" I want to fight commies and watch star-spangled fireworks and eat apple pie and play baseball with veterans and shake George Washington's hand and sign the declaration of independence and hug a union and confederate soldier and protect the Alamo with Davey Crockett and eat a 72-oz. steak in Amarillo and avenge Apollo's death by defeating Ivan Drago.

As for Streisand: the more I mature, the more I realize why my wise old father detests Barbra Streisand. I have one CD that features a bunch of Christmas songs from various artists, and one begins with Babs singing, "I'm dreaming" (as in "of a white Christmas); if you can make it any further than that, it's either because you have an iron stomach or you're deaf.
-

-Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer - Elmo & Patsy

This one makes the list in homage to my sister Adrien. She can't stand the anti-melody, or whatever it is. It sure is kooky though!

-Christmas Through Your Eyes - Gloria Estefan

Just annoying.

-Grown Up Christmas List - Amy Grant

Amy Grant is such a hero. All she wants is world peace, love, and for the world to be a better place. Go back to BandAid and 1982, Amy!

-Feliz Navidad - José Feliciano

Sorry, Dad. He loves this tune because it lets him show off his extensive bilingual skills. I don't think it's a bad song, except that it's slightly repetitive (and by slightly repetitive, I mean that it's really a 30-second song strung out over three minutes).

-Most versions of "The Twelve Days of Christmas"

Many of you may hate me for this one. That's OK. I doubt I'm the only person thinking, "There are still 11 more verses?!?" when I hear it. See "Feliz Navidad". Even so, I don't mind it when sung by the Muppets, Bob and Doug McKenzie, or Brak from Space Ghost.

-The Christmas Shoes - NewSong

"Sir I wanna buy these shoes, for my dying mom". Ugh. Again, this one reminds me of dear old Dad. This song brings up so many questions. Is it trying to be the most depressing song ever? Could it do so in a less annoying way? What do you need shoes for if you're dying? Why are you doing last-minute Christmas shopping if your mom's dying? This is the biggest car crash on the list-- I can't change the station when I hear it. Kind of like somebody smelling their own farts.

-I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

First of all, I can't think of any one of the many versions of this song that I've heard which I actually enjoy. Second, and more importantly, this tune, from a child's point of view, showcases the exploits of an adulterous parent. It leaves me feeling as dirty as "Santa Baby". Speaking of feeling dirty...

-Baby, it's Cold Outside

This song about a horny man (OK, let's not be redundant: a man) somehow makes itself out to be a Christmas song. I will admit, though, that I usually associate it with Tom Jones, who has only slightly less chest hair than Neil Diamond.

Did I leave any favorite songs off the list?

Am I heartless for hating on these tunes? (Answer: No. I'm more sentimental than a store full of Hallmark cards. Did you think that question was rhetorical?)

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-24T17:47:00.003-06:00

Eric:

Some people around here have lit signs up in their yard that say "Merry Christmas, Y'all!" Sadly, I don't have a picture of that, so this photo of Santa and some kid will have to do.

Decemberween

2010-12-18T17:23:00.003-06:00

Eric:

I apologize to both our faithful readers.

Things have been a bit hectic and home-internet-less for us lately, so you may be agonizing, wondering how we're doing and how big Sam's Town has gotten. Well, I'm at the in-laws', so I have a couple minutes online.
-Kirsten took Cap'n Champ to the doctor the other day, and he's in the 90+ percentile for height and weight.
-Good game, Cougs. They actually looked a little sloppy, but still bulldozed UTEP. I'm already getting excited for the next couple years.
-I'm almost over the hump with the 1/1 rush at work. The last couple weeks have been insane. I'm just now realizing that it's Christmas time.

We'll have some more interesting crap to share shortly.

Hit Me

2010-12-11T23:53:00.000-06:00

Eric:

Kirsten noted that my last post might have been offensive to some because most people we know have a lot more gadgets than us... oh well. If you're offended by that, then you probably don't know me very well. Note that I'll make fun of myself more than anybody else in this blog...

Furthermore, I like when others can give me good reasoning as to why I'm wrong about something; good-natured arguments are often constructive. So come on, call me out if you're offended or if I can be cured of my ignorant ways.

Sometimes I'll read an old piece of correspondence and think, "I used to think that? What was wrong with me?"

--------------------------

Bighead has his share of whiny moments, but he always smiles for the camera, so he's a great photographee.

Laggard

2010-11-28T14:13:00.006-06:00

Eric:

I've finally decided to join the 21st century: I replaced my phone that was low-tech even when I got it 4+ years ago.

Though I like gadgets and technology (but not as much as you, you see; but I still love technology), I hate creating new dependencies in my life. Fifteen years ago, very few people had cell phones; now, we can't imagine life without them. We perceive it as a need even though we used to get by just fine without them.

I only used my phone as a phone, and somehow, I survived. But since it was very near to death, I have upgraded, and though I'm still probably on the low-tech side, I now have a touchscreen phone with a flip-out keyboard for my free texting plan; which takes 2G pictures; and which plays music. It's sort of fun, but it's also completely unnecessary. Of course, I'm still not springing for the internet, which brings me to my next point.

As illustrated above, I sometimes feel that I'm the most old-fashioned 29-year-old in the U.S. Does anybody else take pride in actually knowing how to get somewhere rather than constantly trusting GPS?

GPS has its place, but is often unnecessary. Knowing where I'm going, reading electronic and paper maps, and observing road signs gives me a certain satisfaction that we used to feel in my day, back when road trips consisted of music on compact discs and there was no sweet, heavenly Taco Bell dollar menu. A collegue of mine was 20 minutes late to a recent meeting in Tulsa because he didn't bother to look away from GPS and at the road signs which stated that an exit was closed.

(Sam will use his phone's GPS to get home from school in first grade. Without it, he can't even get out of a box.)

In some ways, technology makes my generation stronger; in others, we have become inept. We are more social than ever, as our hundreds of Facebook BFFs can attest, but making a phone call to a stranger terrifies us. We receive worldwide news within minutes through various forms of media, but can't distinguish it from the anti-news of Twitter and TMZ. We're very busy but don't accomplish much.

----------------------

Way to turn the season around, Cougs! Too bad you couldn't finish the regular season with a win over Utah, choking it away in the fourth quarter. I hope you've learned your lesson to go for the kill, rather than settle for a 43-yard field goal attempt. Still, the future is looking bright! Maybe we'll see you in Dallas next month.

-----------------------------

Recently, Kirsten and I finally went to see Inception. I had wanted to see it for a while but hadn't had time, and finally, the cheap arms of the dollar theater embraced us. I didn't even know what to say after it was over, except that it's easily one of the best movies I've ever seen.

Our Cap'n

2010-11-21T23:39:00.005-06:00

Eric:

Work, money, and trying to stay on top of everything in life is tough. I'm not an overachiever who can accomplish one hundred different things at once, and sometimes I feel inadequate in many aspects of life.

Luckily, I have Kirsten, who is a great mom and wife. And I have Sam. When I'm not so late that he's already asleep, I love getting home from work, because Cap'n sees me and gets excited.

As he gets older, he may be hard to chase down, but I don't think he'll ever be boring.

(One advantage to Sam's large size is that he can fit in the swings normally used by two-year-olds. He loves it.)

America's Pastime: Bashing Soccer

2010-11-11T23:35:00.000-06:00

Eric:

Last weekend, some friends invited us to a Dallas Stars game. I'm not a huge hockey fan, but I can appreciate attending a game, and I realize much of the reason why: hockey is the fun version of soccer.

We blessed Americans have long since developed football, basketball, and baseball. However, billions of people throughout the world have labored under the oppression of having to watch soccer for years. I feel that I can empathize, because once every four years, I try to appreciate soccer through the World Cup, and even the world's best players make it a tough task. Even they realize their plight, faking injuries to try to escape the madness of running up and down the field and not making any progress. Scoreless games are the norm.

(Like most Americans, Sam will play soccer until he's old enough to play the better sports.)

Apparently, some northern, muscular, Viking-like fellow must have sought out to invent the antithesis of soccer, which is why hockey is played on ice. He probably had an intimidating and testosterone-laden name like Swenson, or Jorgensen, or Swenson. Here's how he set the two games apart:

Soccer: You're lucky if there are two goals in a game.
Hockey: The final score of the Stars game on Friday was 6-3.

Soccer: Fans incessantly blow irritating air horns and vuvuzelas to stay awake. Maybe soccer riots are just a result of boredom.
Hockey: Pucks flying into the crowd keep spectators alert.

Soccer: Players revel in faking injuries
Hockey: Fighting isn't only tolerated, it's encouraged. Most players are missing teeth.

Soccer: The field is so expansive, players can easily keep 20 yards clear of contact.
Hockey: There are ample opportunities for body checks into the wall.

Soccer: Don't you dare use your hands.
Hockey: Here, use this big wooden stick for combat.

Final thought: If you're a soccer fan/player and you're offended by this, then don't take yourself so seriously. You must be used to this treatment by now.

Catching Up: San Antonio

2010-11-06T23:56:00.008-05:00

Eric:
-
Given how satisfying today's sports outcomes have been (BYU's offense finally went off, Utah lost badly to TCU, and the Jazz won in double overtime), recalling BYU's loss at TCU isn't as painful. The day after the fair, we attended the game, and at least we didn't expect a victory because of BYU's terrible first half of the season.
-

-
Kirsten was not impressed. Her luck finally ran out after never having attended a loss (she was 14-0).
-

-

Later that weekend, we headed down to Austin so that Sammy could learn about his Texas heritage (he is, after all, the first native Texan on either side of the family).

My dad was thrilled to be deep in the heart of Texas.

We stayed in New Braunfels and spent a day in San Antonio. There is still no basement in the Alamo.

While there, we were reminded how much Cap'n likes Mexican food.

-

-

He likes it A LOT.

My visiting family enjoyed the scenic boat tour.

Texriffic.

Happy Halloween!

2010-10-31T23:32:00.008-05:00

Eric:

Nowadays, treat-or-treaters are lazy. When I was a kid, we had to trudge all over the neighborhood, begging for candy from strangers, just to have something to sustain us until Santa came along a couple months later. After devising a costume which could conceal both our identity and a jacket underneath, we would labor for hours building up our loot. It was hard work.

(Halloween makes me giddy. See?)

Today's children? They put on some crappy face paint and load up at the nearest trunk-or-treat. After traveling from the last car, most of them don't even say anything to me; they just hold out an already overladen pillowcase of more candy than my annual salary could purchase and roll their eyes because I haven't emptied my candy bowl into their Texas-sized collection, so I stare back at them until they drum up the strength to say "Trick or treat!" Am I really asking for so much in order to impart of our sweets?

Here in our northern Carrollton middle-class neighborhood, we're adjacent to the affluent community of Castle Hills, and man, do I feel for them. There are so many cars parked through there that I wonder how many bordering states send their kids in to raid Castle Hills of their candy. They can't shovel it out fast enough. Some of it trickles over to us, but things are still pretty quiet over here. Meanwhile, most neighborhoods are pretty dead on Halloween now because trick-or-treating there means that today's lazy generation has to walk further than a parking space to get to their next payday.

One more thought: what's the age limit for this tradition? It's cute when five-year-olds dressed like insurance underwriters come by, but I think by the time you can actually get a part-time job and buy some candy, rather than panhandle for it, you're too old to trick-or-treat. Nevertheless, we get teenagers who squirt some ketchup-- blood-- on their shirt and call it a costume or even parents who throw on a Romo jersey and ask for a handout. I make sure to give them the crappiest candy we have. One Jolly Rancher? It's yours, mom.
You know those disgusting Halloween candies that come in orange or black wrappers, that look like taffy and taste sort of like stale peanut butter, that you always left until last because you didn't want to eat them, until finally taking a bite before dry-heaving and throwing the rest away? Maybe I'll get some of those next year for the aforementioned high school trick-or-treaters.

Finally: my favorite videos of Sam are of him laughing. He's also in costume, so here you go.

Catching Up: State Fair

2010-10-31T22:46:00.000-05:00

Eric:

The night I returned from Wausau, my parents and sister, Marianne, were waiting for me in Dallas. They'd just arrived.

The next day, we enjoyed the much-anticipated Texas State Fair. As with Texas, everything was bigger, including parking lots, big Tex, traffic, crowds, the animals, the exhibitions, and prices.

It was pretty fun, and maybe by next year we will have saved up enough money to go again. I'm glad I only had to use the restroom twice, because the cost for that is 9 tickets ($4.50).

Here's Big Tex, who reminds passers-by to enjoy the fair and buy Dickies shirts just like his.

Taking a picture by the Ferris Wheel only cost 4 tickets.

The original Big Tex was also creepily displayed.

It's not Dallas unless Tom Landry is somehow immortalized.

Marianne watched in subdued awe as I consumed a fried Twinkie. I made up my mind that I would try out one of the fried masterpieces for which the Texas State Fair is famous; my reaction to this Lone Star delicacy: "Eh."

Fire and Air

2010-10-24T23:49:00.005-05:00

Eric:

Due to time constraints and technical issues, this blog has been neglected lately, despite some interesting (to us) recent events in our lives. Hopefully, we can get caught up in the next few days so you can stop holding your breath and get caught up with our enthralling lives.

---------------------------------------------------

Thanks to my job with Liberty Mutual, I have fulfilled my lifelong dream of traveling to the American travel mecca of Milwaukee. However, I had left most of Wisconsin unexplored. For instance, what about central Wisconsin?

Once again, Mother Liberty has provided. About a week and a half ago, I was shipped up to Wausau, WI, for a two-day fire training class. Time for a tangent:

I find airports/airplanes to be a great venue in which to study human interaction (I've mentioned this previously). Many travelers ditch all pretense of unselfishness, as long as it means that they can get to their two-foot-square reservation on the plane 30 seconds before you.

After flying from DFW to Minneapolis (Minnesota! New state for me! It's legal to count airports, right?), I elected to trek all the way across the airport by foot rather than use the tram so that I could observe others better. I saw a lot of what I expected: hurried, self-important travelers jogging down moving escalators while clutching and paying devotion to their gods, also known as Blackberries and iPhones. At the far reaches of the airport, I found my flight, which would be on a tiny connecting plane.

Boarding, I felt like an outsider, because half of the passengers on the 180-mile flight knew each other: “Say hi to the kids; it’s been too long, donchaknow." I felt like Steve Martin on Planes, Trains and Automobiles when the rest of his bus launches into “Flintstones, meet the Flintstones…”

I only flew on three round trips before the age of 19, but I've flown much more often since then, and it's sad that the novelty has long since worn off. Part of this change could be tied to the fact that I now can't even stand up straight on most planes. However, as the propellers began to turn (yes, this plane used 1940’s technology) and we lurched down the runway, I felt a bit of that old excitement, accentuated by the roar of the propellers which made the plane sound like one from a WWII movie. Would we be crushed by a wandering 737 that didn’t notice our RV-sized aircraft? Would we get up to a sufficient speed to lift off in a vehicle that would have trouble reaching speeds that would activate a flux capacitor? Once in the air, I doubt that we got 2,000 feet off the ground.

Delta’s Sky Magazine educated me on the plane that flew me to and from Wausau. It is by far the smallest and weakest of Delta’s fleet, with seating for 34 and a top speed of 290, as well as 1/70th the thrust of a 747. My guess is that it will be kept in service until it crashes over the northern Wisconsin wilderness one day (soon).

A few more thoughts crossed my mind during this leg of the trip:

-The drunk guys seated near me sound like they’re about to cough up their spleen with every raspy, prolonged laugh.

-Definitely a win: not only do I double up on the delicious Delta Biscoff cookies because there are two flights on my journey, but the flight attendant gave me two packs! Liberty Mutual got their money’s worth on this flight.

-Sky Mall: yet another American venue in which one can buy loads of completely unnecessary and overpriced merchandise.

-I’m near the back of the small plane, but if the captain farts, I’ll know it (boxed-in car effect).

-If I shift my weight to the left, will the plane will bank left?

Wausau itself is a nice town, and it was quite a lovely autumn setting. I spent much of my free evening there strolling around town.

Fire lab training included making big fires in a special room (fun), using a fire extinguisher to put out fires (fun), learning the precise conditions and pressure needed to activate dry-pipe sprinklers (not fun), long PowerPoint presentations on topics such as proper ventilation system controls for paint spray booths (not fun), watching hung-over co-workers on the second day of training as they struggled through long PowerPoint presentations on topics such as proper ventilation system controls for paint spray booths (fun for me), playing with gasoline (fun), and lots of free food (fun).

Tham Thwenthon

2010-10-06T20:12:00.008-05:00

Eric:

Every syllable of Sam's name (excluding his middle name) starts with an "S".

I will be considered a heartless parent if he turns out to have a lisp.

Swing Low, Sweet Segway

2010-10-03T22:02:00.004-05:00

Eric:

I'm quite jealous of James Heselden, the owner of Segway. A week ago, he left this world by utilizing my dream method of dying: by driving a Segway off a cliff. The sad but amusing news brought a laugh to my throat that was quickly choked out by tears (as well as enchiladas and flem). I do not doubt that his heroic biography (especially the ending) will inspire countless mini-series in the coming months.

(Our love blossomed on a Segway.)

To pay homage to him, raise money for all Segway victims, and buy myself a diamond-encrusted Segway, I propose a Segway ride to Alaska. Please be generous with your contributions.

Enjoy that great Segway in the sky, Mr. Heselden.

S.I.P. (Segway in Peace)

(Other bikers fear my chopper.)

Top Career Goal for Children: Underwriter

2010-09-26T20:06:00.010-05:00

Eric:

When I was just a little boy, I asked my mother, "What will I be?"
"Will I be handsome?"
"Will I be rich?"
Here's what she said to me:

"A commercial insurance underwriter."

Thanks to the inspiration of my mother, I grew up dreaming of the day when I could review submissions, strive for compliance with Oklahoma workers' compensation law, and calculate general liability rates. But then, who hasn't? Kirsten recently discovered an article which confirms that my aspirations were quite typical:
--------------------------

(SAN FRANCISCO)- According to a recent study published by the University of California-Berkeley, "Commercial Insurance Underwriter" has moved into the number one spot for children's career goals in the United States. It replaces "Fireman", which held the number one spot ever since the release of the R-rated 1991 film Backdraft, which became a quick favorite among elementary school students.

The poll was conducted among children from the ages of five to twelve and posed the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Students from 400 classes in 39 states participated in the study, which sheds valuable light on the jobs that tomorrow's workforce will seek.

Insurance-related positions held two of the top four spots, as "Actuary" moved up to number four. "Policeman" and "Superhero" have lost ground since the last study, completed in 2005, but "Jonas Brother" has quickly gone from zero to three percent.

Semi-Anti-Cowboys

2010-09-20T23:37:00.000-05:00

Eric:

I should be a good Christian and sympathize with Dallas Cowboys fans because they lost their second straight game over the weekend, just as my beloved Cougars have. Like my team, their offense has struggled and they aren't playing up to their expectations.

Yet I feel no empathy.

(Sam is quickly learning that the passion, tradition, creativity, and disparity of teams in college football overrule the precision and homogeny of the pro game. Would you ever see a finish like the ending of the MSU-Notre Dame game in the pros? )

Even though I grew up a 49ers fan, loathing the enemy Cowboys, I have nothing against the Cowboys now: a Ute now leads the 49ers and I try to take interest in my new hometown team. But I find it quite entertaining when the Cowboys lose.

Dallas sports fans easily exhibit euphoria or despair, depending on how the last 24 hours have gone; they're so prone to extremes that my mood following BYU games seems temperate by comparison. It's so easy to antagonize 'Boys fans after losses that I find it hard to contain myself. Though I can feel their pain, I consider listening to them agonize over the Cowboys' failures a perk of living here.

Poop is Funny

2010-09-18T22:18:00.003-05:00

Labor Day Vacation

2010-09-12T21:51:00.005-05:00

Eric:

Sam took his first trip with us up to Utah last week.

My uncle Greg took a few of us four-wheeling out in the West Desert, and it was fun for all.

This was almost one of my dad's final moments; shortly after, I had to rescue him from a too-steep hill that he had taken on by helping to push him up and by notifying him of how to activate the four-wheel drive. For this, my dad is forever indebted to me.

My mom drove cautiously.

Of course we have to add the obligatory infant-driving photo, which would be much more cute if Cap'n hadn't run over three squirrels and a baby seal.

Here's my dad's portion of the family.

Since they came to the New World in 1709, my dad's side of the family has had a Labor Day tradition of bowling, for whatever reason. Minus my cousin Phil, who's on a mission, we saw-- and spoke to for six seconds each-- all of the quickly-growing family. Good to see all y'all and sorry for the brevity in conversation.

While in Utah, we also enjoyed attending BYU's season-opening win over Washington, golf, a barbecue, and Segwaying, among other things.

Here's Sammy with his cousins, grandparents, and great-grandma.

Aunt Marianne doesn't mind hauling around the two newest members of the family.

Football is Here

2010-08-30T23:19:00.001-05:00

Sorry, Cap'n, summer's about over. Now you get to learn why nothing beats Saturdays in the fall.

II Time

2010-08-23T23:51:00.002-05:00

Eric:

Part two of my Great Cramming Experiment was a success. Passing the first two CPCU exams was another necessary step toward my goal of getting a promotion, and it worked! Thus, I am now an underwriter II.

Though I primarily wanted to move up to make a little more money (we can now afford to change Sam's diaper TWICE a day), I have enjoyed numerous unexpected benefits from this promotion:

-I received a pass for Wal-Mart which allows me to move to the front of the line at the cash register, past the slow-moving old people, pregnant women, and sick children.

-The designated underwriter II lane on I-35 has less traffic and a higher speed limit than the carpool lane.

-I'm now eligible for the $8,000 new underwriter II tax credit.

-The neighborhood children have fashioned a statue of me in the local park out of Hi-C boxes and paper airplanes.

One negative, however, is that the key to the city of Carrollton isn't as useful as it might seem. It's only gotten me into 11 of the 18 civic buildings and 23 of the 31 private residences on which I have attempted to use it. Also, I don't feel like eating free lobster and caviar for lunch EVERY day.

Eclipsed

2010-08-11T00:48:00.002-05:00

Eric:

I have not yet had (and by "had", I mean "wanted") the opportunity to see the movie Eclipse. Kirsten has, though, and she was recently interviewed as part of an AP story about the popular film:

LEWISVILLE, TX- The Cinemark at Vista Ridge Mall in a Dallas suburb was buzzing.

"Okay, Eclipse was like, SOOOO good!"

Eclipse, the third film based on the book series by Stephenie Meyer, may not threaten Hollywood's biggest draws of all time, such as Avatar and Gone with the Wind, but you wouldn't know that from the passion displayed by its hardcore fans.

Kirsten Swenson arrived at the theater with life-size cardboard cutouts of the 16 principle characters, Eclipse-themed sneakers, and a lock of Jacob's hair.

On a scale of 1 to 10, Swenson rated the movie "a 110! Oh you need to see it it was so great and Edward and Jacob were both so hot and oooooooohhhh!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait to see it again!"

"I think that the twelfth time that Jacob took his shirt off was every bit as exciting as the first and fourth. How can you go wrong with that? It's up there with a double rainbow. What does it mean?"

The opening day crowd consisted of 14-year-old girls, 20-somethings who still pin *NSYNC posters to their bedroom doors, bored menopausal housewives, and Roger, a mechanical engineer who was suckered into going because his wife told him that Eclipse was a sci-fi movie about space travel.

"When they showed that skinny pale kid and my wife started giggling uncontrollably, I realized that Edward was NOT a Vulcan or even from the Dagobah System," Roger explained. "The lack of moviegoers sporting light sabres and Dungeons and Dragons T-shirts should have given it away earlier."

Swenson's sister, Courtney Anderson, was asked whether the latest film based on the smash hit book franchise could compare with what is often considered one of the best movies ever made, Citizen Kane. "Well, duh! Eclipse is like a million times better than that old crap. I don't think Citizen whatever even had any dreamy vampires or high-definition close-ups of ripped hotties morphing into werewolves."

"But that's not what the movie is all about," Anderson continued. "I mean, in a way, don't we all fall in love with thoughtful undead hunks who are 200 years older than us? And don't we all have a metaphorical 'werewolf' waiting in the wings to whisk us off our feet if murderous hordes of Dracula's spawn seek to quench their thirst with our blood? It's a timeless theme."

Indeed, the film has been instrumental in making our world a safer place. (http://www.theonion.com/video/alqaeda-calls-off-attack-on-nations-capitol-to-spa,17688/)

"Seeing Eclipse is probably the high point of my life so far," Swenson asserted. "It's definitely up there with seeing New Moon, watching Twilight, the birth of my son, and my wedding day."

Hotter Than Sam's Mom

2010-08-03T20:55:00.005-05:00

Eric:

I've been to Vegas in July and to Phoenix in August, but I don't know if they beat the Dallas heat. The ghost of Saddam Hussein called to tell me that he empathized with me when I entered my car after work to a reading of 111 degrees with a bit more humidity than the deserts of the western U.S.

I miss the cool days proselyting in Guacuco, Venezuela, where it was always in the 90s. Old men without shirts would often say "It's hot today," as if it weren't every other day of the year. That phrase was as unnecessary as the questions, "Eric, would you like some free food?" and "Kirsten, should we go shopping?"

Teachers are Full of Crap

2010-07-29T21:47:00.003-05:00

Eric:

I am insane, awesome, or stupid, according to various viewpoints.

I'm sure anybody reading this knows what the CPCU (Chartered Property Casualty Underwriter) designation is, but I'll just sum it up for those who live under an uninsured rock: a CPCU is the most important designation an insurance underwriter can achieve (side note- I Googled "CPCU" to see which superstars and billionaires would turn up, and among the middle-class nerds emerged Sean Connery as James Bond [I love parentheses, if you haven't noticed]).

To earn the honor, which I would place among levels of prestige somewhere between astronaut and pharaoh, one must take a series of eight tests, and most people study for months for each one. I probably should have taken one or two by now, but as of 1-1/2 weeks ago, I hadn't really done jack. This was partly for lack of focus/interest, but more for lack of time. Regardless, I needed to get going because one measurable component of my job which could facilitate a promotion is the completion of the first two of these exams.

Early last week, I realized that if I were to sign up to take a CPCU test in a couple months, I'd probably just procrastinate and end up cramming at the last minute; so why not just sign up to take one in a week? And by that logic, why not take the next one the following week?

Half the fun was getting various reactions from my co-workers.

---------------------
Before I finish, I need to hit on another point which I learned in high school: teachers are often wrong. How many of your high school / college teachers told you that cramming doesn't work? Well, that's a load of crap.

For most subjects, cramming only doesn't not work (unlike in Spanish, remember that two negatives make a positive in English), it's often the best way to study. Load it all into your head right before the test so that you can unload it onto your paper (or monitor).

So I crammed. I finished the "Review Notes" booklet (the text proved to be a waste of precious time) and flash cards a few hours before the test, took a couple practice tests, and then went out and used my full three hours to pass the CPCU 520 (Insurance Operations, Regulation, and Statutory Accounting -- as if you didn't know). Eat that, CPCU!

Part one of my great experiment was a success. Next Thursday, I'll see if my luck can continue.

Husky Baby Honored

2010-07-18T21:18:00.008-05:00

DALLAS- A North Texas 4-month-old was voted by his peers as "Most Likely to Become Morbidly Obese" in a poll of infants and toddlers of the Lone Star State.

"He's right on line to be the world's fattest man, should he so choose," remarked Sam Swenson's pediatrician, Dr. Rivera, though he did offer one caveat. "He's can't let up, though."

In the four months since exiting his mother's nurturing womb, the child has found solace in gulping down huge amounts of milk. By Grandma Anderson's account, he "probably sucks down enough milk and formula each day to feed a family of sea turtles for a year."

He now weighs over 18 pounds and is 26-1/2 inches long; both of these numbers register above the 90th percentile.

One key component of Swenson's future weight gain is that he learn to eat solid foods, through which he can accelerate his intake of essential butters, sugars, and greases. Up to this point, he has struggled with this facet.

Swenson's father sees a perfect opportunity to give his son a push in the right direction once September rolls around.

"Once we take Fatty McFathead to the Texas State Fair, we'll introduce him to all the fair's novelties-- fried Snickers, fried Twinkies, and fried armadillo will give him an early edge on that big ol' Chatwin baby," the father beamed. "By the time this kid's six years old, I hope to put Golden Corral out of business."

On the other hand, the boy's uncle, Greg von Arx, is making efforts to deter others from getting the wrong impression regarding the family's hopes for his bulging nephew; he claims that they'd settle for many different types of large.

"When my wife began feeding our son vegetables, I resigned myself to the fact that my kid would never be a world-class sumo wrestler. But for Sam, there are endless possibilities, even if he doesn't become the NFL's largest offensive lineman or the white Fat Albert. We'd all be happy with an Andre the Giant or Abraham Lincoln, who were just big dudes."

Kirsten Swenson, who already has a lawyer on retainer for when Southwest Airlines inevitably forces the child to purchase two tickets for one flight, sees their opportunity as a can't-miss.

"Unless he dies of massive coronary failure before he's 15," she remarked, "our large son is definitely going places."

The Decision

2010-07-13T00:11:00.006-05:00

Eric:

Composing posts can be difficult as I try to discuss topics which interest me, while at the same time attempting to entertain the people who actually look at this blog. Most of the readers (my research tells me that we have over 3), I believe, are Kirsten's friends (I don't have friends, unless you count the guy at Cici's who says, "Thanks, buddy," when I lay down 8.98 + tax for Kirsten and me to sit down to a romantic all-you-can-eat dinner of 16 pizza slices and 13 cinnamon pull-aparts), so I usually just think of something not relating to insurance and post a couple of Cap'n photos, and we're set.

Despite this, I sometimes still feel the need to write about things which may not pique the interest of young moms. In an attempt to balance this, after getting into a current sports topic now, I will follow shortly with a hot estrogen-tinged pop culture topic.

----------------------------

A week ago, I told Kirsten about LeBron's shameless self-promotion over the past few months, but that I'd have to watch his self-aggrandizing one-hour special just to see how he would spin it. I'm glad that I tuned in so that I could learn a few things:

-how great LeBron is

-how loyal he's been to the Cavs and the city to which he was about to give the figurative finger on national TV

-how it's not about the money (I'm sure his overall income will take a huge hit over the next few years, poor guy)

-how great LeBron is

-Jim Gray is still a tool

-how much LeBron cares about the Boys and Girls Club of Connecticut, or whatever charity it was that he was using as his pawn to pretend that he was promoting something other than himself; ESPN had to remind him to act like he actually gave a crap about them: "There was one last thing you wanted to say, LeBron; what was it?"

-kids in the New York area do NOT like the Heat (What a shock! What kind of reaction was he expecting, and why the crap were they in CT in the first place?)

-how great LeBron is

-ESPN sure knows how to lick boot; too bad Tim Tebow and Derek Jeter weren't around; the commentators would trip over themselves trying to kiss enough butt

-Kobe Bryant might only be the SECOND-biggest narcissistic jerk in the NBA; as disgusting as it might be, I might find myself cheering for Phil and the Lakers in the Finals for the first time ever

-big athletes can't resist referring to themselves in the third person, and neither can Eric Swenson

-the Cavs owner already had a Jerry-Springer-spurned-lover-type-letter ready in the expectation that LeBron would leave; do you think that he also had another prepared, citing how much he loved LeBron, for if he were to stay?

-how great LeBron is

-Sam had no sense of the importance of the occasion and made it very difficult to pay attention

-that LeBron was going back and forth with this very difficult decision, with his last change of mind coming "in [his] dreams last night"; sure, LeBron

-It's too bad Spanish Fork, Utah, doesn't have an NBA team. LeBron could team up with guys like LaRue and LaVell.

Happy 4th

2010-07-07T20:52:00.003-05:00

Eric:

Cap'n Champ had the most darn patriotic 4th of July that he's ever had. I guess ours was super, too.

Part of our day was spent at the pool, which Sammy quite enjoys. There, we hung out with some friends who had their baby a couple weeks after Sam was born. Theirs was born premature, but this photo still illustrates how big our kid is.

Less than four months ago, that thing was inside of poor Kirsten's womb.

Same Ol'

2010-07-01T22:50:00.004-05:00

Eric:

There's nothing very interesting going on here, except that Kirsten's seeing the new Twilight movie right now (I couldn't make it because of prior commitments) and I had a thrilling July 1 book of business (7/1 is a big day for commercial insurance policy renewals; would you like to hear all about it? Commercial auto accounts can be quite zany). Thus, here are some photos of Little Fattie.

He's now 3-1/2 months old. His spit bubble skills are in the 90th percentile.

He's very cultured; his current reading skills are at a six-month-old's level.

Hey Dad

2010-06-22T23:37:00.004-05:00

Eric:

My traditional Fathers' Day gift for dear old dad is an outing of golf. However, since it will be a while before we can do that, for now I will honor him with a blog post chock full of tender memories and two pictures chronicling the most important occasions we've shared.

Sure, there were other special moments:
-On one magical ski run you met Tony Danza, though I wasn't there.
-I fulfilled my lifelong dream of running into Ice Cube, though you weren't present.
-You coached my Jr. Jazz team and made me throw fake vomit on the court during a game, which didn't work as a trick play because the other team didn't notice and I got a technical. You also taught me not to use deodorant so that the opposing team wouldn't guard me.
-Long ago, you taught me to dislike Jared from Subway advertising. 15 years later, the rest of the nation is also tired of him, but, bafflingly, Subway's marketing geniuses still can't think of any better ideas.
-Of course, I'll never forget when you hit that three against the Rockets to put the Jazz in the NBA finals.

Even so, our relationship to this point has culminated in the two events pictured below.

Thank you, Dad, for supporting my education. Also, thank you for bringing home luchador masks from Mexico.

Congrats to Court

2010-06-13T23:21:00.010-05:00

Eric:

Kirsten's sister, Courtney, is close to graduating from cosmetology school. I, for one, am really excited about this. I can't wait to break out the ol' telescope so that she can teach me about lunar geography, how to locate Orion's belt, and how many light-years it would take to reach Alpha Centauri.

To commemorate their accomplishments, the graduates held a fashion show titled "Hollywood Through the Decades". Courtney played a 1960's girl. Walks along the runway and effeminate men wearing tight jeans helped put me at ease in a venue in which I might have otherwise felt out of place. However, nobody even offered to tell me my horoscope (I'm a Scorpio), or discuss which of Jupiter's moon would be most inhabitable (definitely Europa).

Back at their parents' house, Kirsten prepared a comprehensive spread complete with decorations and a hair-cutting-themed cake. Though Kirsten did all the physical work for the afterparty, I'd like to think that I was the inspiration behind it; I was a sort of executive producer.

Disappointingly, I only found eight strands of hair in my slice of cake. Otherwise, it was a nice evening. Congratulations, Courtney!

Mom is Great

2010-06-06T23:13:00.002-05:00

Eric:

Yes, my mom is great and swell, but I'm referring to Kirsten (plus, my mom just wants pictures of Cap'n, so I'm also tributing her).

(I also have Twilight Fever.)

Kirsten is a great mom for Sammy. She has to handle most of the load of taking care of him (and the little lard is a load), but she has a good attitude about it. Thanks for all your work, Kirsten!

One of his favorite activities is being read a book. You can't tell from this picture, but they're currently reading Dante's "Inferno". Either that, or "Colors are Fun". I forget which.

Awkward Situations: Public Restrooms

2010-05-31T23:00:00.001-05:00

Kirsten and I enjoy observing people caught in personality-revealing and potentially awkward social situations.

Airports/airplanes are a good venue, as there are many self-important people who are in a rush to get somewhere. For example, I was probably the only person on my flight who enjoyed certain aspects of the 15-hour delay at Midway Airport in Chicago before Christmas in '08. It was hard for me not to laugh at those who were berating airline employees who had nothing to do with the delay (that was quite an interesting night: http://heyitstheswensons.blogspot.com/2008/12/farewell-midway-airport.html ; eventually, I even got free round-trip tickets out of the ordeal).

Diners at restaurants, and particularly bad dates at restaurants, can also be fascinating to watch.

(One social interaction which didn't go well was Sam's meeting with the friendly head that Aunt Marianne brought him last month.)

However, the unique situation which I'd like to touch on briefly today is public restrooms. I'll try to keep this in good taste as much as possible.

If I wrote a book about the relationships within a well-staffed office, I would devote at least one chapter to this topic.

Of course, I can only comment on the dynamics of the men's room, in which side-by-side urinals can make for some almost-confrontational situations. For instance, if you happen to walk in the bathroom at the same time as somebody you know, some small talk is expected, but where does one cut off the dialogue?

I don't care to converse with others as I relieve myself, but some men will chat away as I'm trying to concentrate on other things. Please, just stare forward at the wall and be quiet. Why do you think some gas stations put ads there?

Even worse, others' chattiness can add pressure to the event: what if I can't go? Will they think less of me? Should I stay until they're gone? If we're both gun-shy, then who backs down first? Do I mutter something like, "Better drink more water," or do I just hurry and wash my hands, only half-drying them on only one paper towel, so that I can escape the situation as quickly as possible?

I have a few other public bathroom situations which I'd like to discuss, but I'm unsure of the type of reception I'll get for this post, so I'll save them for another day. Besides, I have to go to the bathroom.

Some Crap

2010-05-24T23:45:00.005-05:00

Eric:

Hooray! Our computer is now virus-free (or at least acting like it), no thanks to Verizon, who we pay for an anti-virus service which they're not providing to us.
-------------------

Now I know what to get my dad for Fathers' Day:

http://uroclub.com
-------------------

Here's a picture of Sammy for whiny Grandma Swenson:

Accidents

2010-05-16T14:46:00.006-05:00

Eric:

Beyond our master bedroom furnished solely with our bed lies a bathroom with walls of a strange texture and a toilet that constantly runs (one day my repair work will be successful). This bathroom, however, also contains a fancy jetted tub. It helps us feel better than you.

Apparently, a common problem with these tubs is that gunk builds up in the jets, and it's very tough to get it all out. According to most of the Web sites I checked, a simple solution is to run the jets for 15-30 minutes while the tub is half-full (or half-empty) of water and a combination of dish soap and/or bleach.

I would recommend using only bleach.

After beginning the process, I went in to check on things after a few minutes. I arrived just in time to stem the tide before the flow reached carpet. Once things were under control, Kirsten decided that a photo shoot was in order.

Our tile is now very clean.

----------------

The next night while I was playing basketball, one of three things happened (remember "Choose Your Own Adventure"?). Either (a) I hit my face on the rim while being called for yet another goal tend; (2) I was bragging about having a fancy jetted tub with very clean tile flooring in our bathroom, and a fight ensued because another player was so jealous; or (d) I got faked into the air while going for a block, the guy I was guarding ducked, and I had my legs taken out from under me, which caused me to hit the hardwood face-first.

While falling, I came to a realization: "I'm probably going to injury myself within the next second."

After landing, I was still conscious, and nothing seemed broken, though a few guys yelled scattered exclamations such as "Whoooaa!", "Don't move!", and "Get some towels!"

While on the way to the emergency room, the guy who gave me a ride there explained that "It was like 'Gladiator': the second you hit the floor, the blood just spurted! It was so cool!" My eyelid was so swollen that I couldn't open my eye.

Luckily, my injuries were superficial: a gash above my eye, masked by my bulky eyebrow, which required three stitches inside and six on the surface; and a black eye. But man, did that gash bleed. My face was covered in blood to the point where it looked as if I had multiple lacerations. My hair, commonly called red, actually WAS red. The doctor thought that it was dyed.

When I was finally cleaned and stitched up and arrived home, I took this photo, which hardly does my injury justice.

A couple days later, I looked as if I were ready to join an Emo band. That's not the case, though. I'm more like David Bowie, but without the drag.

A vein in my eye must have burst, and strangely, the blood from it has slowly migrated toward my iris. Here it is, almost two weeks later.

Before now, I had never realized how often I use the muscles above my eyes. I am just now regaining mobility.

Meet the Grandson

2010-05-06T23:34:00.006-05:00

Eric:

My parents and younger sister, Marianne, came to Texas last weekend to meet Sammy.

It was pretty low-key, but we enjoyed their company.

Sam enjoyed spending some time outdoors.

Cap'n also appreciated all the attention while he was awake. He seemed especially happy on Sunday morning, which was appropriate, because he received his blessing.

Also of note is that I trounced everyone in miniature golf.

Thanks for visiting, team!

Coming soon: a bit more excitement-- dishwasher bath and my bloody injury.

Extra Safe

2010-05-06T23:29:00.006-05:00

Eric:

While I was filling up my car today, a lady was at the next pump doing the same. Her car's alarm went off twice during this process. What's the thought process on that? "I'm getting out to pump some gas... I'd better arm the Taurus." Really?

Swenson Well Positioned for NFL Success

2010-04-22T22:09:00.025-05:00

NEW YORK- The onset of the 2010 NFL draft means that talent scouts can shift their attention to future picks. And as evaluating talent becomes more of a science every year, skills necessary to succeed in the NFL can be seen in tomorrow's stars at an increasingly early age.
-

Take Sam Swenson. Swenson, a 5-1/2-week-old from the northern Dallas suburb of Carrollton, is currently a projected early 2nd-round pick in the 2032 NFL draft.

Mel Kiper, Jr., a draft specialist for ESPN, likes the infant's strength and agility. "His fat --and helmet-shaped-- head wobbles around on his little neck 52% less than the typical baby of his size, which indicates a future propensity for making bone-crushing hits. He also seems to wear his 'Daddy's Little All-Star' outfit quite well."

Swenson's most glaring weakness, according to Kiper, is his propensity to lose his binky. "If the Raiders are looking for someone who will protect the football, they might be a little concerned about Swenson's repeated binky droppage. Studies show that effective pacifier-handling in infancy is strongly correlated to good football hands. Because of this and his adeptness at quickly finding milk, much like a linebacker sniffs out a halfback, Swenson might be best off focusing on his career as a defender."

His cousin, Angela Smith, agrees. "When I held him he was squirming, and he hit me so hard that I realized, 'Hey, this kid's going to deliver some really jarring tackles.'"

Despite all the obvious football skills which "Insanity" Swenson will no doubt possess, some wonder whether America's favorite sport will even be his choice.

"I'm interested to see how his basketball development progresses," remarked Jerry Sloan, head coach of the Utah Jazz. "Though he was only 19-3/4 inches tall when born, he grew almost two inches in the first two weeks after birth. At that rate, he'll be about 80 feet tall by the time he's heading to college. Of course, since neither of his parents are anywhere near that size, I would expect the rate to slow; perhaps he'll turn out to be an 8- or 9- footer, which we could definitely use in the middle."

Still, it seems that football is the most likely scenario for Swenson. He sports various onesies and pants declaring him "Cute Enough to Tackle", "Grandma's Favorite Hurler" and "Nasty When [his] Bum is Dirty".

When questioned regarding which position he thought would be best suited for him when he does inevitably break into the NFL, Swenson whined for a few seconds and then passed gas.

The New Expert in the Kitchen

2010-04-18T20:25:00.002-05:00

I'm so excited! My Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking book came in the mail yesterday and I can't wait to get started! I'm not doing the whole Julie and Julia thing where she cooks everything out of the book. There are some dishes I will want to avoid, like fish soup. Just reading the ingredients in that recipe makes me want to gag.

I've noticed that I don't blog much about cooking for as much as I enjoy it, so I will start to blog more about recipes and such. If anyone has any good recipes they'd like to share, that would be great! I'm all about trying new things. Happy cooking!

Opinions Needed

2010-04-12T11:33:00.009-05:00

My good friend Kelly came over a couple weeks ago and took some adorable pictures of Sam. Here are my favorites. I need opinions on what is everyone's favorite. I need a good picture or two for his birth announcements.

Do's and Don'ts

2010-04-11T15:59:00.007-05:00

Eric:

Thanks for all the great suggestions on how to care for a baby!

Competition

2010-04-04T23:07:00.001-05:00

I sometimes return from early-morning racquetball to find Kirsten sleeping with another man.

Poor Kid

2010-04-04T23:01:00.010-05:00

Eric:
How can you do this to my son?

NOT THE WORLD'S CUTEST BABY

2010-03-24T20:52:00.019-05:00

Carrollton, TX- Like most parents, Kirsten and Eric Swenson love their newborn and consider him "dang cute". Unlike many parents, however, they have come to recognize that his cuteness has bounds.

The majority of parents, at one time or another, state something to the effect of "I'm sorry, but MY baby is just the cutest baby ever!" Technically, only one set of parents making that declaration can be correct.

In a recent study commissioned by the University of Pennsylvania, it was determined that Gale Pryga of Greenville, SC, has the nation's cutest baby, a 4-month old female named Kensey.

Even Kensey, though, who has registered a U.S.-record 638 cheek-pinches, still has a ways to go to become the world's cutest baby.

"It's a widely known fact that Argentina has the cutest babies in the world," explained Professor Richard Granger, who teaches courses on childhood attractiveness and diaper leakage at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee.

Despite a population of only 40 million, this South American nation boasts 16 of the top 40 spots based on the global Hong Adorability Index (HAI), including the top 3. Granger says that this is because on average, "Argentine babies are a whopping 71% more doe-eyed and cuddly than those of other nations."

Though he is safely classified as "very cute", the Swensons' child, Sam, falls just short of "darling".

"I'm proud to say that Sam ranks in the 75th percentile [of the HAI]," beamed the father, Eric.

"I often stare at him and smile because he's so sweet, but every once in a while-- maybe once or twice a day-- he half-opens one eye while the other is still shut, and it's kind of weird."

When informed of the findings, Sam had no comment.

"Cap'n" Has a Name

2010-03-17T10:42:00.003-05:00

Eric:

Despite other finalists such as LeBron and Ka$h, his name is Sam Albert Swenson.

His mom has only been able to get up a couple of times, but she's progressing and taking very good care of him.

If I'm standing, he likes me to hold him face out so he can look around.

We're Parents!

2010-03-15T20:32:00.005-05:00

Eric:

Today has been a bit more stressful than we would have hoped, but the results are good: we have an 8 lb 14 oz, 19-1/2 inch (or somewhere in that vicinity) son! Kirsten progressed well and had been pushing like crazy for a couple hours before the doctor conceded that because of his position and size, our kid would have to be born via C-section. Kirsten's doing well and will be fine, but I didn't like that they had to cut her up and her recovery will take a while longer.

We have a name in mind, but we haven't finalized it, so we'll get back to y'all on that later. (Oh, crap, this means our son is a native Texan-- the first in either family)

When he came out they stuck him in a casserole before Kirsten and I got to check him out.

Here he is with Aunt Courtney.

Here he joins Courtney and the new grandparents. (Sorry to my Mom and Dad-- you're super grandparents and all, but you've now been serving in that capacity for almost three years)

So far, his favorite things are sleeping, crying, and boobs. That's my boy.

I wish this hadn't been so difficult for Kirsten, but she made it. She was very strong and needed a great attitude for all the hard work she performed, and I'm very proud of her. She's a great woman and I'm extremely grateful to have her as my wife. She'll be a fantastic mom.

It's Pushing Time!

2010-03-13T11:23:00.005-06:00

This little boy is coming whether he likes it or not! We're going to the hospital Sunday night and he should be here by Monday afternoon! Woohoo! Needless to say that we're SO ready. And after walking around looking like this for a few weeks, I'm so ready.

Oh the little things I'm looking forward to: running, sleeping on my stomach (or back), eating whatever I want knowing I won't throw it up, kickboxing, wearing heels for more than 3 hours, wearing all of my clothes, not having to pee every 30 minutes...you get the idea.

Utah's Streets Without Name

2010-03-04T23:44:00.009-06:00

Eric:

A friend of mine (Bryan Holm) once told me that he heard that "Where the Streets Have No Name" was about Salt Lake, because the streets there don't have names-- just numbers. It's even high on the desert plain. We would always make fun of him for it, even though he asserted that he had only heard it, rather than believed it.

To his credit, one day 3+ years ago, he "happened across this e-mail" which validated the rumor. What he sent me was pure gold (at least I quite enjoyed it), though you would have to be pretty familiar with Utah to appreciate it. Anyway, with acknowledgment to him and with his permission, I'll share his inspiration.

Where the Streets Have No Name

I want to run;
Reference to how Mormons are very physically fit people
I want to hide;
Talking about the Mormon pioneers that went to Salt Lake to avoid persecution
I want to tear down the walls that hold me inside.
Common misconception is that polygamists, thought to be centered in SLC, trap their members inside their properties
I want to reach out and touch the flame
The Winter Olympics were held in SL in 2002
Where the streets have no name.
106th South
I want to feel sunlight on my face.
Nice springs, warm summers, beautiful falls
I see the dust cloud disappear without a trace.
Talking about really clean air compared to other big cities
I want to take shelter from the poison rain
The mountains block pollution from the nuclear testing in Nevada
Where the streets have no name,
94th South
Where the streets have no name,
7th East
Where the streets have no name.
90th South
Still building,
The new homes at Daybreak
then burning down love,
Lots of forest fires in the summers
Burning down love.
The New Orleans refugee that set fire to a Provo apartment complex last year
And when I go there, I go there with you;
Delta, with a hub in SLC, gives out buddy passes, so it's easy to fly to Salt Lake with a friend
It's all I can do.
Referring to Ensign Peak, where early settlers were married until the temple was finished because "Hey, it's all we can do"
The city's a flood
Reference to the floods in Bountiful in summer of 1982
and our love turns to rust.
The old Geneva Steel shuts down and dies out
We're beaten
Jazz lost the Finals to the Bulls in 1997
and blown by the wind –
"The Wind" brought in the seagulls that saved the early pioneers
trampled in dust.
The wild horses that roam Antelope Island to this day
I'll show you a place high on a desert plain
Cross reference Isaiah 2:2
Where the streets have no name,
13th East
Where the streets have no name,
72nd South
Where the streets have no name.
9th East
Still building,
Larry Miller rebuilt the old JHS into the Jordan Commons
then burning down love,
they tore down the old Murray Smelter Towers
Burning down love,
They also got rid of the 49th Street Galleria
And when I go there I go there with you.
Lots of Mormon kids travel to the Salt Lake temple to get married
It's all I can do.
Probably referring to the tendency of Utah professional sports to have "zz" somewhere in the name, even though everyone's sick of it
Our love turns to rust
the color of the Kennicott copper mines, the world's largest open pit mine and one of only a few man-made "things" visible from space
We're beaten
Jazz lost again in '98 in the Finals on a cheap push-off by Jordan
and blown by the wind
likely a reference to the tornado that blew through Salt Lake in 98 or 99
Blown by the wind --
I heard Bono wants to be buried with a Book of Mormon

Spoiled Brat

2010-02-28T23:27:00.003-06:00

Eric:

This kid hasn't even been born yet, and I think he has more stuff than both of us combined. He's got loads of clothes and other gear.

Despite this, I still predict that he'll whine, barf on us, and crap his pants.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who has helped us out already with all the baby stuff. We really appreciate it.

He'll arrive within the next couple weeks!

Snow Day!

2010-02-14T18:23:00.002-06:00

Supposedly, it only snows in Dallas once every few years, and when it does, barely anything even sticks.

What a lie. I think it's snowed as many times here this winter as it has in Salt Lake. But that definitely brings some positives: as it continued snowing all day on Thursday, my office closed at 3:00. That evening, I got a phone call telling me our office would be closed on Friday.

To celebrate, Kirsten and I spent Friday morning cleaning.

The rest of the day we spent playing games and being lazy.

We probably ended up with about 6" of snow. The photo shown below was taken on Friday evening, when a bit of it had melted.

It was funny to see Texan kids play in the snow. Many of them didn't really know what to do; half the snowmen (I think there were about one per every two houses) were engineered improperly, which led to their quick demise.

Most of the snow is melted now, so I'll be able to go back to work tomorrow. Whew!

BABY SHOWER GOODS TOUTED "ADORABLE"

2010-02-03T12:25:00.010-06:00

Sandy, UT - It was widely agreed that Kirsten Swenson's baby shower, which was held last Saturday, Jan. 30, at the home of Valerie Swenson, was one of the cutest showers ever.

Kirsten, who lives in Carrollton, TX, proclaimed that the shower, which was held as a fund-raiser of sorts in order to gain free clothing and supplies for her baby, was "super-awesome". Though she's still deciding on what to name her unborn son - Steel, Xtreme, Spock and Cap'n are currently the baby name frontrunners - she was sure that her little boy will be thrilled to see his new "little bitty fuzzy socks that are so sweet. Ooooohh."

Pam Smith, one of Kirsten's aunts-in-law, said that the shower was even better than Nancy's last week, even though Nancy is having twins. "I love Nancy and all, but the games weren't too great," explained Smith. "Guess the baby's wedding date? Even if I win, I probably won't get a prize for at least twenty years. Also, those brownies must have been three days old."

A poll taken shortly after the shower found that the most popular gift, from Heather Andreason, was a set of diapers that say "Danger - Radioactive Waste" across the backside, with a nuclear symbol. 79% of the shower-goers considered the diapers "too fun and precious for words", while the other 21% thought that they were distasteful. The poll has a margin of error of 4%.

While another shower is planned for her Texas friends and family, Kirsten thinks the festivities in Utah will be tough to match. "Ohmygosh, it was so fun to see them all! We all held (newborn neice) Zoey and she's just so sweet. Ohhhhhhhhhh! She just has these little fingers and chubby face that is sooooo cute! But I can't wait for my mom's shower in Carrollton! It will be FABULOUS!"

Winter's Over; Growing Wife

2010-01-17T22:54:00.007-06:00

After what was a very cold late December and early January (we got snow a couple times; I actually stood on Kirsten's parents' frozen pool - no joke), it seems that winter is over, so we enjoyed lunch outside in the nice weather today.

Kirsten enjoyed the time-honored classic dish of oatmeal and a taco. Though this traditional comfort food might bring nostalgia to some, it was sort of unnerving to me. Over the course of only a few months, Kirsten has really let herself go. Holy crap- just look at her beer belly!
If this trend doesn't stop within the next couple months, I'll have to confront her about her rapid waistline expansion problem. Luckily, this blog offers me the perfect avenue to vent my concerns without her knowing.